An A&M ag student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."<P>"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
Funny Jokes
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Old Bearkat:<BR><STRONG>Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It makes no difference to the dentist.
What is "pi"?<P> Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.<BR>Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.<BR>Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005<BR>Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.<BR>Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.<P>Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette **** has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.<P>The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.<P>____________________________________________<P>A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.<BR> I suddenly remembered that I wasn't hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.<BR> The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
Top five signs you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:<P>5. Your guide blows into big sea shell horn to attract game and a bunch of Vikings show up instead.<BR>4. Your guide is completely outfitted with "Barney" camping equipment.<BR>3. As you close in on a deer, your guide whispers in an Elmer Fudd voice, "Be vehhwey vehhwey quiet."<BR>2. He calls trees by their first names.<BR>And the number one sign you’ve hired the wrong hunting guide:<BR>1. He is prone to scream, "Run, Bambi, RUN
Baked Bean Lover<P>Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,â€
Did you hear about the guy who had a job circumsizing elephants?<P>The pay was lousy but the tips were big.
Eight Words with Male & Female Meanings<P>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.<BR>Female... Any part under a car's hood.<BR>Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.<P>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.<BR>Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.<BR>Male... Playing hockey without a cup.<P>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.<BR>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.<BR>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.<P>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.<BR>Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.<BR>Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.<P>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.<BR>Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.<BR>Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.<P>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.<BR>Female... An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.<BR>Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.<P>7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.<BR>Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.<BR>Male... Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.<P>8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.<BR>Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.<BR>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Hear about the nearsighted skunk that spent nearly an hour holding a conversation with a fart?
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Johnny Boy:<BR><STRONG>there's two muffins sittin in a oven....one muffin looks at the other one and says "man...it's pretty hot in here huh?"...the other one, terrified, says "GOOD GOD IT'S A TALKIN MUFFIN!!!"<P>lol...i love that one</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>lol i love that 1 2!!! like OMG thats funny i think thats gonna have to go on my msn name!!! lol hehe!!!!<P> 
Listening to Goob and all the good ol' boys yakking about hunting and fishing reminded me about a few jokes I have on this topic.....
Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn't hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
Stopping to ask directions at a house at dinnertime, I was invited in to eat with the family. When I asked what they were having, I was told southern fried possum.
I suddenly remembered that I wasn't hungry, but replied that I had always heard opossum tasted just like chicken.
The cook told me it should because it ate 13 of her chickens before ending up in the frying pan.
A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly", said the doctor.
"I've never felt better," he replies. I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him."
That's impossible," said the old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly", said the doctor.
OVER-SENSITIVE WOMEN
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when shegets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on March 7th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when shegets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.....
Signed, Bob
EDITOR'S NOTE: Bob died suddenly on March 7th. The police report says that he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his backside, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her NOT GUILTY, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it...
For Hamburger Hill,
General must muster his men:
So, he mustard them.
General must muster his men:
So, he mustard them.
Chicken sandwich anyone????
This one is for Lifegate!! Got it off Free Republic today....
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string
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