Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Q: How many Austinites does it take to screw in a lightbulb? <P>A: Ten. One to screw in the lightbulb and nine to remind everyone how cool the old bulb used to be.
Funny Jokes
- Thread starter mclean88
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freeagent
Six-man pro
Got a three-peat for you...<P>TO TELL THE TRUTH<BR> <BR>A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"<P>"Of course. What may I do for you?"<P>"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"<P>"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I cannot lie." <P>"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."<P>When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"<P>From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."<P>The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"<P>"I have a truly marvelous instrument, designed to be used on a woman, but which, to date, is unused."<P>Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"<P>LAST WISHES<P>An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for his two lawyers to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. <BR>The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. <P>Both lawyers were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.<P>Finally, the one lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"<P>The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." <P>FIVE SURGEONS<P>Five surgeons are discussing the types of people they like to operate on.<P>The first surgeon says: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."<P>The second responds: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."<P>The third surgeon says: "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."<P>The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."<P>But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.<BR>Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no b-alls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the *** (rear end) are interchangeable.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by<BR>hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).<BR>If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone<BR>else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.<P>This virus will wipe out your private life completely.<P>If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take<BR>two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as<BR>Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE, BEER, OR ANY ALCHOLIC BEVERAGE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A friend from UT found this and sent it to me today......<BR>
freeagent
Six-man pro
Subject: American Engineer (for our friend, Ol' Bearkat, waiting for the nuclear plant to go boom-boom):<BR> <BR>Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish" says the Genie. <P>The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. <P>Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.. <P>The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out and it's virtually impenetrable." <P>The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Another engineer joke.......<P>Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."<BR>The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.<P>The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.<P>Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.<P>"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.<P>__________________________________________<P>An engineering student is walking along when a fellow student arrives on a new bicycle. Impressed, he asks, "Where did you got this beautiful bicycle?"<P>"Well," the second engineering student says, "A couple of days ago I was just walking along when this georgeous blonde pulls up, hops off the bike, rips off all her clothes, and says 'take what you want'."<P>The other engineering student nods and says "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."<P>__________________________________________<BR>Three freshman engineering students were sitting around talking between classes, when one brought up the question of who designed the human body.<P>One of the students insisted that the human body must have been designed by an electrical engineer because of the perfection of the nerves and synapses.<P>Another disagreed, and exclaimed that it had to have been a mechanical engineer who designed the human body. The system of levers and pullies is ingenious.<P>"No," the third student said "your both wrong. The human body was designed by an architect. Who else but an architect would have put a toxic waste line through a recreation area?"<P>__________________________________________<p>[ July 25, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
freeagent
Six-man pro
A fleeing Al Qaida Guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance.<P>Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties. <P>The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"<P>The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.00."<P>The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."<P>"OK", said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom." <P>Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. <P>Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"<BR>"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.<BR>"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.<BR> The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.<BR> When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."<BR> • The Army will put guards around the place.<BR> • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.<BR> • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.<BR> • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.
Bill Dauterive
11-man fan
<BLOCKQUOTE><font>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Old Bearkat:<BR><STRONG>Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?<BR>A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Any domesticated animal can be substituted in place of the cat.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
GOTTA LOVE THOSE TEXANS <P>Three strangers strike up a conversation in the <BR>airport passenger lounge in Lubbock, Texas, awaiting <BR>their flights. One is an American Indian passing <BR>through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way <BR>to Houston for a livestockshow and the third <BR>passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly <BR>arrived at Texas Tech University from the Middle <BR>East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse <BR>cultures. <P>Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a <P>devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into <BR>an uneasy lull. <P>The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots <BR>on a magazine table and tips his big! sweat-s tained hat <BR>forward over his face. <P>The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and <BR>the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane<BR>comes. <P>Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and <BR>softly he speaks,"At one time here, my people were <BR>many, but sadly, now we are few." <P>The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans<BR>forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and <BR>now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" <P>The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side <BR>of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson <BR>says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys <P>and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'! "
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Gas Glossary<BR>Programmer types like to live our lives in a nice, logical, well ordered manner. Our bookshelves are alphabetized, and our shirts are hung in the closet in order of color. How, then, can we possibly resist categorizing the farts that occur around us? <P>The Lethal Weapon IV Fart:<BR>It's loud, it's fast, everything blows up, people get hurt, end of story.<P><BR>The Titanic Fart:<BR>This was a really huge fart you did when you were a kid, but your family just will not stop talking about it, reviving it, and reliving it, and telling the story to everyone you introduce them to. You begin to wonder if they're planning sell the movie rights, and you begin to fantasize about Leonardo Decrapio to playing your part as the young farter, and wondering what the theme song will sound like.<P><BR>The TWA Flight 800 Fart:<BR>There was a huge explosion. There was fire. There were many witnesses. There were casualties. There was an investigation. There was a recreation of the crime scene. But to this day, the source cannot be identified. You are smiling.<P>The Lord of the Dance Fart:<BR>In an effort to mask the sound of an oncoming fart, and beging talking about the Lord of the Dance show you saw, stamping your feet as hard and furiously as you can on a wooden floor as the air escapes.<P><BR>The Ebola Fart:<BR>One person in the group farts, then others around him start farting as well, speading like a virus. Soon, everyone is farting.<P><BR>The Year2K Problem Fart:<BR>You were short on time at lunch, and instead of having some healthy food, you opted for a bad chili dog from the street vendor. You know a really foul fart is coming, and you're going to be in a closed-door meeting all afternoon. You know you should have thought ahead at lunchtime and could have avoided the problem, but it's only 1:30pm and you feel it looming inside you already. A major disaster awaits unless you act NOW.<P><BR>The Viagra Fart:<BR>After a nice, vibrating fart, you find yourself aroused.<P><BR>The Got Milk? Fart:<BR>You forgot to take your "Lact-Aid", had some milk with your cookies, and now your lactose-intolerant stomach is about to teach you a lesson you won't forget.<P><BR>The El Nino Fart:<BR>You thought it might be serious well in advance, and it was. This fart is relentless, coming in huge waves, causing massive flooding and much damage in its wake. You vow to be better prepared next time.<P><BR>The Mile High Club Fart:<BR>The only way to join this club is to break wind above 30,000 feet.<p>[ October 04, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.<BR>"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"<BR>"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.<BR>Patient: And how much will it cost?<BR>Dentist: It's $90.00. <BR>Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???<BR>Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?<BR>Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.<BR>Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.<BR>___________________________________________<P>Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."<BR>Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."<P>___________________________________________<P>Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"<BR>Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."
