Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

 

[Old Bearkat]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

 

[pojocrusader]

TIGER THINKS SANDS WILL BEAT IRA....................BEST JOKE ON THE THREAD............JUST KIDDING JUST LIKE JACKING WITH GOOD OLE MR ROGERS

 

[Old Bearkat]

A Texan's Guide To Life

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Finally, never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

 

[oldfat&bald]

I had a tough day today.

I rearended a car at a stoplight this morning.

The driver got out to talk to me, a DWARF.

He says, "I'm not Happy."

So I said, "Which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started.

 

[6manfootballmom]

What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer
And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 

[Dogface]

My wifey is blonde.
I asked her,
What's the difference in a smart blonde
and a stinky Bigfoot.
Of course she didn't know.
I said,
Bigfoot exists.

That's how the fight got started!

 

[CowboyP]

Sitting at the bar, Roger told the barkeeper that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. "What went wrong?" the bartender asked? "Let me put it this way," said Roger. "Would you marry someone who didn't know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?" "No way in hell," the bartender said. "Well," said Roger, "neither would my fiancee." 

 

[CowboyP]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" 

 

[6manfootballmom]

What did the blonde say when the Doctor told her that she was pregnant?












Are you sure it's mine?

 

[CowboyP]

A blonde goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
 
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
 
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
 
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 6 Baptists."

 

[Old Bearkat]

In Washington , D.C. An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to come near...

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.. The nurse sent the request to the President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing..

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence, and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the End?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying, cheating, thieves; I would like to do the same."

 

[Old Bearkat]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.


As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

There's the old joke about the Irish Protestant father on his deathbed.

Every Sunday, he would sit among his fellow Deacons at the Anglican Church and faithfully flew the flag of Her Majesty's Church outside his home. He would make life tough for the Catholic population of his Northern Ireland town.

His sons asked their dying father if he had any final requests.

He asked them to send a Catholic Priest to the home so that he could convert to the Catholic Faith.

The sons were aghast to find that their father, a leader of the Protestant church, wished to convert and asked him why.

"Well," the father said, "if somebody's gotta die, I'd rather it be one of them."

 

[GSB]

A young man is taking an evening walk and happens upon a frail, wrinkled, elderly woman in a rocking chair on the porch of an old house. He thinks about what a wonderful life this woman must have led and the wisdom she must have gained. He stops in front of the house and shouts up to the woman, "Excuse me, ma'am, if you don't mind, can you tell me any advise or secret to to your longevity?"

The lady replies, "Well, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, I eat whatever I want, and I drink every night until I pass out."

"Wow! That is incredible." says the young man, "Just how old are you?'

"I'm 36"

 

[GSB]

A man comes to a river he will need to cross. He looks to the other side and sees a blonde woman walking along the bank.

He yells to the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"

The blonde replies, "You already ARE on the other side of the river."

 

[GSB]

Post 9/11...G. W. Bush presidency. President Bush is rushed to an emergency meeting where he finds Donald Rumsfeld, and several high ranking military officials and cabinet members.

Rumsfeld begins, "President Bush, there has a been a tragic event in the MIddle East and we need for you to hold a press conference to comment on the events."

President Bush replies, "Oh no, what happened?"

Rumsfeld explains, "Troops from the NATO countries were attacked by enemy forces and a brutal firefight ensued. After many hours, tragically, 7 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

President Bush, noticeably anguished, stands up and moves to the window. He puts his hand to his face and struggles to gain his composure. He closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths. Several times he puts his hands on his knees and just shakes his head. Finally, he stands straight and tall, turns to the group, and says, "OK, I think I'm ready to face the press. But first, I need to ask you something...just how many is a 'Brazilian'?"

Not sure this translates to writing, but one of my all time favorite jokes.

 

[Old Bearkat]

How science counts sheep.
A man was driving his shiny new BMW and came across a farmer and a huge flock of sheep. He told the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number of sheep in this flock.”
The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. The driver pulls out his WiFi laptop, gets a a pattern recognition count working on Google Earth.
Inside 3 minutes, “It’s 973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picked one up and began to walk away.
“Wait,” cried the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man thought for a moment a said “sure.”
“You are a top economist for the federal government,” said the shepherd.
“Amazing!” responded the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”
“Well,” said the shepherd, “Put down my dog and I will tell you.”