Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

Q: How do you know a polack is at a cock fight?
A: He brings the duck.

Q: How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight?
A: He bets on the duck.

Q: How do you know italians are at a cock fight?
A: The duck wins.

 

[Old Bearkat]

One for Topher....

Two Canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning,
and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty
hunting dog.

Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end
they headed home without a single duck!

The first canadian said "Do you think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?"

The second replied, "No, the duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"

 

[Old Bearkat]

Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and
were about ready to shoot anything.

One yupper forced his way through some bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!"

The second yupper nudged him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are
bear tracks!"

So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down
real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.


(Side Note - yuppers are Michigan natives from the upper peninsula....)

 

[Old Bearkat]

Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive
day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful,
and well-endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters,
winked, and waved them over.

"Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us to be with her!"

Ole replied "I'm game."

So Sven shot him.

 

[Old Bearkat]

A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her
parents ...

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."

Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"

Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!"

 

[freeagent]

A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her
parents ...

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."

Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"

Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!"

That joke is really funny if you change it to the Chicago Bears....

 

[Old Bearkat]

A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her
parents ...

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."

Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"

Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."

Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"

Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat anyone!"

That joke is really funny if you change it to the Chicago Bears....

I posted in another place just to irritate a couple of die-hard Cubs fans, but I've seen it modified to have the Bears, Jets, Marlins, Astros, and a few other teams.....

 

[Old Bearkat]

Q: Why did God make man first?

A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.

 

[Old Bearkat]

A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an
Old West mining camp.

"Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water
and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died
right away. What does that tell you?"

"Easy," responded a voice from the
back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!"

 

[Old Bearkat]

Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars?

A: To refuel their heads.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for?

A: Punish the Male Species.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called
"All Hands On Deck."

 

[Old Bearkat]

Judge: You've been brought here for drinking!

Irishman: Swell! Let's get started.

 

[Old Bearkat]

After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to
put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first
week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came
back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the
hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more
chicks.

"Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm
planting them too deep - or too close together ..."

 

[freeagent]

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"

 

[freeagent]

God and Adam were having a discussion one day.

Adam asks God, "Why did You make women so beautiful?"

God responds, "I did that so that you would fall in love with them."

"Okay," said Adam, "but why did You make them so stupid?"

God crosses his arms, smiles and tells Adam, "That's easy, Adam. I did that so they would fall in love with you."

 

[swires]

A blonde is driving down the highway enjoying a sunny day when she looks out into a wheat field and sees another blonde in a row boat just rowing away. She slams on the brakes, jumps out of the car and yells to the blonde in the boat, "You idiot! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim out their and kick the snot out you!"

 

[swires]

A woman is getting ready to go to bed one and walks over to her full length mirror attached to her closet door. Not liking her aging body, she says to the mirror, "Mirror Mirror on the door, I wish my bust was a 44." She wakes up the next morning and her breasts were large and full again.

The next night she decides to give it another shot, "Mirror Mirror on the door, I wish my waist was a 24." Sure enough, the next morning her waist was tiny once again.

Her husband had been watching and paying attention to the changes in his wife and decides to give it a shot himself. So the next night the husbad goes to the door and declares, "Mirror Mirror on the door, I wish my manhood hung the floor." he woke up the next morning and his legs were two inches long.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Texas police are sensitive and caring...

Despite what our redistributionist friends tell you, LEOs in Texas are caring and sensitive.

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in The town of Stonewall, TX, who reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in Horseshoe Bay .

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do care

 

[Old Bearkat]