Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Q: Why did the possum cross the road?
A: I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Two inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew by.
Then a storm dumped several inches of snow. The men looked around in amaze-
ment.

"What's going on?" one asked.

"Only thing I can figure," replied his companion, "is that the Cubs just won the World Series."

 

[topher80]

Dogface.

 

[westexasflats]

A DEA agent shows up on a ranch in Texas. He tells the old rancher i'm here to search your land for illegal drugs. The old rancher says ok, but dont you dare go into that pasture over yonder. The Dea bigshot gets raving mad whips his badge out of his pocket and tells the old rancher, i'm with the US Goverment, i will go wherever the hell i please on your land, no questions asked old man ! The old rancher stepped back, apologised and says sorry sir carry on. A while later the old rancher is working on a fence when he hears hears the DEA idjit running and screaming with the ranchers 2000 pound brimer bull closing on the DEA man, so the old rancher hollers back..Show him your badge, Show him your badge..

 

[Old Bearkat]

A doctor from France says: “In France, the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.”

A German doctor comments quietly: “That’s nothing! In German, we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person’s head, and in 4 weeks, he is looking for work.”

A Russian doctor says boasting: “That’s nothing either! In Russia, we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person’s chest, and in 2 weeks, he is looking for work.”

The U.S. doctor laughs and answers loudly immediately: “That’s nothing, my colleagues...you are way behind us! In the USA, about 5 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls...we made him President of the United States, and now, the whole country is looking for work!!!!”

 

[MelaniB]

OH HO HO HO This isn't funny. It's the truth.

 

[freeagent]

Jesus Is Watching You

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say; “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” Said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot: “What is your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That is a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiller Jesus.”

 

[Dogface]

Dogface.

I don't get it.

 

[Shad Kline]

A man, after years of nagging from his wife, finally retired and took her to Jarusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or you can have her shipped back home for $5000". The husband thought about it for a minute then told the undertaker that he would just have her shipped back home for a burial there. The undertaker asked the man "Why would you pay that much just to have her shipped home when we can have a beautiful service here and she can be buried in the Holy Land for all of eternity?" The man stated, "A long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and then 3 days later, arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

[markf]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A still from the new Star Wars movie being filmed now.....

 

[Old Bearkat]

And another....

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A California forest ranger caught a man poaching in the forests of Northern California, and hauled him in, along with his illegal catch was a beautiful California condor. He was shown no mercy as he was handcuffed, thrown in jail, and left until his trial date. The judge was unmerciful, scowling and banging his gavel. The jury took no time to find him guilty, and the judge sentenced him to the most severe penalty allowed by law. After the sentencing, the judge motioned the guilty party close to his bench, out of earshot of the rest of the courtroom. He whispered in the convict’s ear, “By the way, I’ve always wondered what a California Condor tastes like”. The convict whispered back, “Well, Your Honor, it’s sort of a cross between a spotted owl and a baby seal”.

 

[Old Bearkat]

USMC Best Joke of the Year

A Marine squad was scouting north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, low life scum bag who got what he deserved. He yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left-wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!

And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

Extreme Cold Weather Predicted

Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a butt load of firewood’.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Building Permit

Some have asked what I’m going to be doing in 2014.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to wake the whole ‘hood. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it ‘snot’ green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it...IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!”

So, I sent the application in again but this time I called it a ‘Mosque’.

Work starts on Monday.

I love this country. It’s the government that scares the crap out of me.

 

[Old Bearkat]