Funny Jokes

Last summer I visited the remains of the Viking colony there. It was an excellent trip, I wrote about it at the time. The guides were very knowledgeable. They told us an interesting story. It seems that once the colony failed, Leif Erikson returned to his native village in Greenland. When he returned, he found that he was no longer listed on the village rolls. He wasn't even allowed to vote in tribal council! Shocked, he went to the village clerk to ask why. The clerk investigated and got back to him the next day. “I'm sorry, I must have taken Leif off my census”!
 
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The doctor comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay,

you'll walk again and everything,

however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

"You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says,

"You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops.”
 
Too long since we had something here ...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President.

A few days after the election the President-elect calls her father in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It' s a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come."

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2025 they arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.

The parents are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?

The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother plays football for the Packers."
 
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband."

The pharmacist says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
There was a Communist guy from Russia named Rudolf Koffalot. He was sitting in his living room, about to doze off, but he woke up when he thought he heard rain. He looked outside and called out to his wife in the kitchen. "Natasha. Look. It is raining." She looked outside. "No Rudolf. It is snowing". Rudolf was not used to being argued with. He stomped his foot on the floor and exclaimed "Rudolf, the Red, knows rain, dear."
 
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