Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

Here's a short one.............. UT football program............

That's a major league joke this year. Makes me mumble when folks ask me where I went to college at.....

Especially when asked by all the notre dame grads around here.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

One day out on the golf course, a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.
A very attractive woman, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise, came out onto her balcony and called out to him, "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thanks," he replied.

"You look frazzled," the woman said. "Come up to my villa for a drink and I will help you get the cart up afterwards."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like that."

"Oh, come on," the woman, a gorgeous brunette in a sexy bikini, insisted. "I can see you've cut your head. It could be serious. Let me take care of that right away. I'm a nurse."

She was very persuasive....and he was weak.

"Well okay," he agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After she bandaged his wound, she gave him a most welcome brandy. They talked a little about golf and he discovered she was an avid golfer with a four handicap. When he confessed to a weakness in his putting, she gave him a putting lesson holding him close and intimately as she did so.

Finally he confessed, "I feel a lot better now, but I had better get going. I know my wife is going to be really upset with me being here with you."

"Don't be silly!" the woman said with a smile, "she won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart," he replied

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well ...?”
She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38” DD bust, 24” waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, “Oh My God.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

One of my personal favorites ... I did a little change to the punch line.

There was a man named Bubba and he knew everyone in the whole world.

Bubba was not a man to boast, but one day at work, his boss said "Bubba, I reckon you know everyone in this plant"

"Boss, I know everyone in the whole world." Bubba says to his boss

The boss doesn't believe him, so he says, "Well prove it!"

"Pick someone ... anyone ... and I know them!" says Bubba,

Well, Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. Tom Selleck

"Tom Selleck!" says Bubba, "Tom and I were boy scouts together when we were kids."

Bubba's boss says, "No you weren't." So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house.

Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers it: "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for half an hour and Bubba's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks, well that could happen, it's just one person, so he tells Bubba

"OK pick somebody else." says Bubba.

This time Bubba's boss has someone in mind! "Bill Clinton, you don't know Bill Clinton."

"Oh yes I do," says Bubba, "Bill and I were on debate team together in college." So they fly to a Clinton Foundation fundraiser and they catch up with the former president at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves.

The president waves "Bubba!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for half an hour and Bubba boss is stunned - he can't believe it. But then he thinks, well that's just two people in one country - that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world! So he tells Bubba.

"OK, pick someone out of the whole world spectrum and I know them." Says Bubba.

"The Pope, you do not know the Pope."

Bubba replies, "the Pope, the Pope baptized me. But that's going to take a bit of work." A day or so later, Bubba calls and tells his boss to get his passport and meet him at the airport on Tuesday. The next morning, Bubba and his boss are among the throng of people in St. Peter's Square, waiting for the Papal blessing from the Pontiff''s apartment window.

Bubba excuses himself, and tells his boss, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

A half hour later, the windows to the Papal apartment open and out walks, arm-in-arm, the Pope and Bubba.

At that moment, Bubba''s boss feels an elbow nudging his side. He turns and sees two little Phillipino nuns, and one meekly asks, "Excuse me sir, but who is that man standing next to Bubba?"

 

[Old Bearkat]

"A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.
"And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison."

~Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix

 

[Old Bearkat]

I too was once a male trapped in a female body......
But then my mother gave birth...

 

[Old Bearkat]

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Outrage on Campus!

A *MAN* was spotted!

Chaos ensues!

Campus organizers were both shocked and scrambling for an acronym to describe the appalling lapse of security that would allow a *MAN* to saunter onto our precious institute of higher outrage.

“It was horrible!” Bellowed Twanita Pizspot, professional student activist. “This, this, *MAN* had the nerve to walk with his head up! And will look you straight in the eye!

Can you believe, in these progressive times, that this agressive racist male behaviour is tolerated!?! I demand action! They must be indoctrinated!”

Rumors of this male monster having a real job sent further shockwaves through sensitivity central.

Diddle major Swinkle Tushtats was inconsolable. “Next thing you’ll tell precious me is that he’s married to an actual woman and calls her *his* *WIFE*! *HIS*!”

“As a progressive guilt-ridden white male,” chirped Panda Clump, whoever the fluck this twink is, “I find this not only highly offensive, but it is a direct insult to our beloved black overlord, who is as progressively wussy as they come.”

fsst! . . . . . .

Oops... we’ve lost the feed, Mel. The campus wind power generators must be clogged up with dead eagles & stoners again.

Hmmm . . .. Well, now back to our program, “Milestones in Bernie Saunders life: his first temper tantrum.” .

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]