Moving to Chicago:
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago ,
when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.
“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago .
The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest
crime rate in the nation.”
Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not
as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to
work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids
in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years
and never had the slightest trouble.”
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh,
thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve
lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK,
I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
My wife came home, with something evidently on her mind.
"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little, promising smile, then reached into her cleavage and slowly pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
Wow, this seemed to be 'going places.'
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said with anticipation.
She gave me another sexy little smile, and slowly and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
I was getting curious at this point.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.
She then said, "Well, go and take a look at our car in the garage."
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.
Car keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
“I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. ”Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted,
“I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your dang car!”
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired
What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under
Every calendar's days are numbered
A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat
He had a photographic memory that was never developed
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses
Acupuncture is a jab well done