Funny Jokes

[freeagent]

Of course, I do not condone drinking and driving ... you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Happy Holidays and be safe out there

 

[Old Bearkat]

Moving to Chicago:

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago ,
when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago .
The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest
crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not
as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to
work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids
in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years
and never had the slightest trouble.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh,
thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve
lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK,
I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

My wife came home, with something evidently on her mind.

"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little, promising smile, then reached into her cleavage and slowly pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Wow, this seemed to be 'going places.'

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said with anticipation.

She gave me another sexy little smile, and slowly and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

I was getting curious at this point.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

She then said, "Well, go and take a look at our car in the garage."

 

[Old Bearkat]

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had an elephant?



So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Car keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
“I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. ”Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted,
“I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your dang car!”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture is a jab well done

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

 

[Old Bearkat]

Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’
If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

 

[smokeyjoe53]

That's a good 'un.............. little slow in the nuclear plant today?..........

 

[Old Bearkat]

That's a good 'un.............. little slow in the nuclear plant today?..........

Yep. Waiting on others to finish reviewing calculations.......

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Aww, just tell them to round it off..... no need to be precise........

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Reflections

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

I don’t need any anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child, I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a
small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

My kids’ text me “plz” which is shorter then please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Darwin Award Winner..............

 

[freeagent]

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. That was because he didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!"

Months pass after God created Eve for Adam. During one of his morning strolls, God joins him.
Adam says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God replies, "Well, Adam, that's so you would fall in love with her."
Adam replies back, "God, she's wonderful....except..."
God looks puzzled and replies, "Except what??"
Adam says, "Why did you make her so stupid?"
God replies back to Adam, "So she would fall in love with you."

Well Adam and Eve had just consumated their relationship for the first time and Adam was sitting against a tree smoking a cigarette. About this time God comes through the bushes and sees Adam's smug smile.
Now God's being all knowing says "Adam, I see you and Eve have experienced the pleasures of the flesh as I had planned. Very good indeed. By the way, where is Eve?"
Adam replies, "Lord, she's down at the river washing up."
God rushes toward the river screaming, "Now I'll never get that smell out of those fish!"

 

[Old Bearkat]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

The first is from India, the second from China, and the third from Pakistan.

They go with White House officials to examine the fence. The Indian takes out his tape measure and works some figures. “Well,” he says, I figure the job will cost about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 for me.”

The Chinese does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do it for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my team, and $100 for me.”

The Pakistani doesn’t measure or calculate. He leans over to the official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official says, “How did you come up with that figure!?”

The Pakistani whispers, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and $700 to hire the Chinese to do the job.”