Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Boudreau got arrested for shooting a Pelican.
The judge said Boudreaux you can’t shoot Pelican’s. Dat’s our state bird! Didn’t you know that?
Boudreau said, No your honor, I didn’t know dat.
The judge let him off with a warning. And as Boudreau was about to leave, the judge said, what’s a Pelican taste like?
Boudreau, said oh they’re good, but they not as juicy and tender as a bald eagle.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[51eleven]

Sorry OBK I can't laugh at this one. That flag represents independence and a willingness to defend from invasion for me, not racism. I deplore the racist, white supremest, nazi, KKK, skinheads who have appropriated it and their actions.

 

[51eleven]

Since I've never posted on this thread before... My Junior year in HS Math teacher asked me outside the door before class. Ever heard of the Oh No bird? No, I said. He's from a Pacific Island and is extinct now. Why? I asked? Well, he said, he had legs about an inch long and testicles about two inches long. Every time he came in for a landing he screeched "Oh No, Oh No, OH NO."

 

[Old Bearkat]

I liked the story of Lot and his wife.
On the day they were to leave Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his wife and children were leaving the house.

Lots wife: “Lot, I can't believe that you offered up your beautiful daughters to those men to protect men we don't even know. What kind of a man are you to do such a thing? Now, after all the time wandering in the desert, you say we have to leave home here and move off into the wilderness again, I swear, I think I married the wrong brother! Lot, what kind of a man are you?”

Lot to his wife: "Did you turn off the water in the kitchen sink?"

Lot’s wife as she turns to go back “Lot, what am I goin--------"

Lot smiles!

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I've been in Consistent, but not on a regular basis

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.

It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot Noir, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Penguins, the remainder of bottle of Prozac, Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "

 

[51eleven]

A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

I guess she left with the impression everything's bigger in Texas.

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[51eleven]

A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "

I guess she left with the impression everything's bigger in Texas.