Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

The following questions were in last year’s GED examination (These are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (I love this one!)

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the
abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (WT?)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service, and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer ... and I’m saving $49.95 a month!

 

[Old Bearkat]

Building Permit:
Some have asked what I'm doing in retirement.

Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 feet tall and 400 feet wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system that was going to entertain the whole neighborhood.

It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green with pink trim.

The City Council told me, “Forget it...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!”

So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque." Work starts on Monday.

I love this country…it’s the government that scares the crap out of me!

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Mortarball

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A Suspended Lawyer,
an Illegal Alien,
a Pathological Liar,
a Muslim,
a Communist,
a Terrible golfer

and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.

.

Bartender says.

“What’ll it be, Mr. President?

 

[Old Bearkat]

BIOLOGY EXAM:

This is straight from Scotland.

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.

He got an A.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[freeagent]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What´s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn´t even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn´t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don´t need him anymore!

Good grief woman, you´re running for President of the United States.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[oldfat&bald]

That hot brass hurts when it goes down your shirt.