Funny Jokes

[Kramer]

A man walked into a cafe and ordered a beer. That'll be one cent. One cent? the man exclaimed. Well how much for a steak and a bottle of wine? A nickel, the barman replied. A nickel? exclaimed the man. Where's the guy who owns this place? the bartender replied, Upstairs with my wife.
The man asked, What's he doing upstairs with your wife?
The bartender replied, the same thing I'm doing to his business down here.

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A woman is sitting at home on the porch with her husband drinking a glass of wine and she says, I love you.
He asks, Is that you or the wine talking?
She replies, It's me...Talking to the wine.

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I was talking to my dad about the birds and the bees. He really emphasized the point about wearing condoms. Then he proceeded to show me pictures why...... All the dang pictures were of me.

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EBay scam....
Be careful what you purchase on eBay, I spent $50 on a male enhancer. Darn eBay sent me a magnifying glass with instructions of not to use in the sunlight.

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, Do you want to have sex? No, she answered.
I then said, Is that your final answer? She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying Yes..
So I said, Then I'd like to phone a friend..
And that's when the fight start.

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I asked my ex wife, Why are married women heavier than single women? She says to me, Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see whats in the bed and go to the fridge.

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I was depressed last night so I called lifeline.
Got a freakin call center in Pakistan, I told them i was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane.

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I asked a chinese chic for her number and she says "free free free - free sex tonigh".
I was like, OH HELL YEAH.
Then her friend turns to me and says, she said 333-3629
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Two elderly ladies were talking.
At our age, I don't know what would be worse, Parkinsons or Alzheimers, one said.
Her wise friend answered, Oh I'd rather have Parkinsons, definitely Parkinsons.
Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle.

______________________________

Brenda and steve took their six year old son to the Doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the Doctor confidently declared, Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
Gee mom, the boy exclaimed, For me?
Just take two, Brenda replied, The rest are for your father.

____________________________

 

[Old Bearkat]

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

 

[Old Bearkat]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They
were all very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell
something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach
was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines
would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front
of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much
money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave
everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment

 

[CT6MFL]

https://www.google.com/search?q=fun...c-cites-video-game-accomplishments%2F;859;645


haha

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[freeagent]

Sports Wisdom:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said:
"To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.
(I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player
who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife
on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[Old Bearkat]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.

“Hello, is that you Sarge?”

“Yes?”

“We have a serious case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she was mopping.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir …….. The floor is still wet.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

March Madness video....

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[smokeyjoe53]

"T" up the mouse............hanging on the rim.............

 

[Little Doc]

T up the squirrel after staring at the man who ate up all the pancakes. Not nice to stare!

 

[Old Bearkat]

Thought for the Day....

 

[Old Bearkat]

“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” - Infantry Journal

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” - US Air Force Manual

“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” - Douglas MacArthur

“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.” - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual

“Tracers work both ways.” - Army Ordnance Manual

“Five second fuses last about three seconds.” - Infantry Journal

The three most useless things in aviation are:
•Fuel in the bowser;
•Runway behind you;
•Air above you.
- Basic Flight Training Manual
“Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.” - Naval Ops Manual

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” - Unknown Infantry Recruit

“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” - Infantry Journal

“Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.” - Sign over SR71 Wing Ops

“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” - Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” - Unknown Author

“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.” - Fixed Wing Pilot

“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.” - Multi-Engine Training Manual

“Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.” - Unknown Author

“If you hear me yell "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes. If you stop to ask "Why?", you’ll be talking to yourself, because by then you’ll be the pilot.” - Pre-flight Briefing from an F104 Pilot

“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
•If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
•If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.”
- Sign over Control Tower Door
“Never trade luck for skill.” - Author Unknown

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
1.“Did you feel that?”
2.“What’s that noise?”
3.“Oh S...!”
- Authors Unknown
“Airspeed, altitude and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.” - Basic Flight Training Manual

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding you or doing anything about your problem.” - Emergency Checklist

“The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.” - Attributed to Northrop test pilot Max Stanley

“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” - Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham Air Force Base, AZ



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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”

 

[Old Bearkat]

Three travelers – an American, a Canadian, and a Scotsman – were driving along a U.S. highway, the American at the wheel, when disaster came upon them in the form of a drunken sot at the wheel of a huge SUV. The SUV clipped the American’s car, sending it careening off the road to tumble, pitch over the bank of a dried-out river, and crash a hundred feet to the rocky riverbed below. As is often the case with such accidents, the drunken sot continued on unharmed.
The cop who first came upon the smoking wreck was immediately certain that no one could possibly have survived such a crash...and was dumbfounded when a body groaned, straightened, and emerged from the driver’s seat to stand before him, apparently completely unharmed.

“Good Lord!” the cop exclaimed. “How lucky you are to have come out of that without a scratch!”

The American shook his head and said, “Sorry, Officer. There was no luck involved. It was all about timing.”

Puzzled, the cop said “What do you mean?”

“Well, the American said, “all three of us died, but when we awoke at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter informed us that the section of the Heavenly City with our apartments in it was under renovation, so he couldn’t admit us on the spot. He offered us an alternative, though: rather than just standing at the entrance and waiting it out, he’d return us to life for $500 apiece.”

The cop said, “Well, what did you do?”

“Oh, I paid him, of course.” The American brushed a few stubborn flakes of charred steel from the sleeves of his jacket.

“I guess that should be obvious. But...” the cop faltered, “where are your passengers?”

“Well,” said the American, “when last I saw them, the Scotsman was still haggling over the price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay it.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

andom thoughts as we age ...

The biggest lie I tell myself is ...”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven’t met yet......................

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don’t have white hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes” .

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people” ?

Well, it turns out that duct tape can’t fix stupid ....... however it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna
transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

 

[Old Bearkat]