Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Obama’ hat and a ‘Save the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the hell was that guy?”
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied.
“He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.”
“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he don’t know squat about bear hunting.
Is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Liberal chick is taking flying lessons in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She is frantic and calls out a May Day.

She hears a voice over the radio saying: “This is Air Traffic Control, and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and my position is I support Social Justice, the IPCC, Multiculturalism, Amnesty International, Palestine Liberation and President Obama.”

“O.K.” says the voice on the radio…”now repeat after me: ’Our Father who art in Heaven’….”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

21st century beer delivery in Wisconsin....

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

This picture is an optical illusion.

If you stare at it long enough you can almost see beer.

 

[oldfat&bald]

This picture is an optical illusion.

If you stare at it long enough you can almost see beer.

Two of my favorite things.

 

[freeagent]

This picture is an optical illusion.

If you stare at it long enough you can almost see beer.

Two of my favorite things.

Or three.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Top Ten Signs You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"

10. Dress is strictly black-tie and black-bandana facial mask

9. Invitations promise "Dinner at Nine, Dancing 'till Midnight, Suicide-Bombing 'till ?..."

8. The wedding band's rendition of Signed, Sealed, Delivered contains a bassline which incorporates coded messages to Hezbollah

7. When the bride tosses the "bouquet," panicked guests run away in shrieking horror

6. The buzz of the party is whether or not the bride will take the husband's nomme de guerre

5. The best man's toast concludes, "Health, wealth, and happiness, and death to the pig-monkey Jews and infidel Crusaders"

4. The couple is registered at the Syrian Intelligence Agency

3. According to tradition, the bride's father pays for the wedding; the groom's father provides the new couple with a SATCOM radio and Katyushka surface-to-surface missiles

2. Dinner selections include prime rib, stuffed chicken, and binary-form sarin gas

...and the Number One Sign You're at an Iraqi "Wedding Party"...

1. The groom sports the traditional Iraqi handlebar moustache, as does the bride

 

[Old Bearkat]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck

 

[Old Bearkat]

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River . He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff’s Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps...

 

[Old Bearkat]

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It’s called ....... ‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

12. POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[oldfat&bald]

Point well taken.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been when he discovered that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill:
I found out who peed in your saxophone."