Funny Jokes

cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, ‘You have been a good cat all these years.

Anything you want is yours for the asking.’

The cat thought for a minute and then said

‘All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.’

God said, ‘Say no more.’

Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.

God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that he made to the cat.

The mice said, ‘Well, we’ve had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little skateboards, we would not have to run again.’

God answered, ‘It is done.’

All the mice had beautiful skateboards.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, ‘Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?’ The cat replied, ‘Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!’
 
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Investment opportunity:

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.
A German Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It’s doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
 
A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: “How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne.”

“What a coincidence “ - said the farmer, who added: “It is a special day for me .... I am celebrating...”

“It is a special day for me too ... I am also celebrating!” - said the woman.

“What a coincidence” - said the farmer.

While they toasted, the man asked: “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” - said the man - “I am a chicken farmer and for years, all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs. “

“This is awesome!” - said the woman. “What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster” - he said.

The woman smiled and said: “What a coincidence...”
 
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence....

Molly put up her hand and said,
“My family went to my granddad’s farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating....”

The teacher said,
“That was good, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate, not fascinating....”

Sally raised her hand....
She said,
“My family went to see Rock City and I was “fascinated....”

The teacher said,
“Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word “fascinate....”

Little Johnny raised his hand....
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before....

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him....

Johnny said,
“My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight....”

The teacher sat down and cried....
 
•One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb
 
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
She replied, "Probably that I married you for your money."
 
Al Gore and Bill Clinton are fishing and Al asks Bill ‘What are you going to do when you get back to the White House?”
Bill Answers “I’m going to rip off Hillary’s panties”. “Mr President, are you sure that’s a good idea?”. Bill responds “I have to. They are cutting off the circulation to my legs”.
 
With apologies to Roy Orbison and Van Halen:

Ugly woman, walking down the street
Ugly woman, I never want to meet
Ugly woman, I can’t believe you it must be true
No one could look as gross as you
Ugly woman get away
Ugly woman it’s not OK
Ugly woman stay away from me
Ugly woman just walk on by
Ugly woman you make me cry
Ugly woman – just walk away-ay
Okay
Why don’t you go on home it’s late
And try tomorrow night….but wait, what do I see?
She’s walking back to me
OH, NO!!! UGLY WOMAN!!
 
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