Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young ‘pullets’, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred’s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the “Walmartians” is always good for some comic release. Besides I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent this establishment.

But, I digress... enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Vietnam Vet?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.”

I thought this was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh?” the “Walmartian” queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity. “1936,”

I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and then asked, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it.”

This was beginning to be way too much fun!

“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed.

“How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice said. “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me that, ‘don’t threaten me look.’ “Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?”

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw the Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of the parking lot in a flurry of dust.

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I’m going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the DMV so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!

 

[Old Bearkat]

The Proposition.

A cowboy walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine Mister.

The barber began to lather his face - while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

Gazing at these for a while, the cowboy said, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”

She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”

The cowboy said, “Tell him you’re working overtime - and I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him - he’s the one shaving you.”

WHOA THERE PARDNER, AH WUZ JEST MAKIN’ CONVERSATION, TRYING TO BE POLITE AND FLATTER THE LADY!!

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3 draft Bock beers

Woman: How much do you pay per Draft Bock beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a Bock beer costs $5 and you have 3 Bock beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much Bock beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

 

[Old Bearkat]

LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

Judy got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . . . her legs”.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Save the Airlines

Ideas worth exploring….

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.... Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - they don’t serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. The tips would be so good we could charge the ‘ladies’ for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and “special services.”

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

esterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause! DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

 

[Old Bearkat]

I came home from riding the bike today.

The wife had left a note on the refrigerator :

“IT’S NOT WORKING, I can’t take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother.”

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the heck is she talking about?