Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

An illegal immigrant Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, ‘In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need
to drink with the same one twice.’

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
(’cuz he’s a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don’t need to drink with the same one twice either.’

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
‘In Texas , we have so many illegal aliens that we don’t have to
drink with the same ones twice.’

 

[Old Bearkat]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned "seventy- ish ").
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a $h!t?

 

[Old Bearkat]

Casual Day Memos
Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

MGySgt vs. SgtMaj

For all Marines, no explanation is necessary. For all the rest, no explanation is possible but I'll just inform the unknowing that a MGySgt (Master Gunnery Sgt.) is the same pay grade, E-9, as a SgtMaj (Sgt. Major) but MGySgts have not been personally anointed by The Deity.

MGySgt 1. When you meet a MGySgt in the passageway and say, "What's up Master Guns?", he says, "What's up Devil Dog?"

SgtMaj 1. When you meet a SgtMaj in the passageway and say, "What's up SgtMaj?", he says, "Your chevrons are chipped and your skivvies aren't marked Devil Dog; and by the way, the appropriate greeting is 'Good afternoon Sergeant Major!"

MGySgt 2. When you see a MGySgt at the MCX, he's probably wearing a T-shirt, jeans and his running shoes; holding hands with his wife and says, "Hey Devil Dog, this is my wife Sue Ellen."

SgtMaj 2. When you see a SgtMaj at the P.X., he's probably wearing a smartly pressed Van Heusen shirt and Dockers sitting by himself in the food court and says, "Where's your belt Devil Dog? Who are you with?"

MGySgt 3. If you ever find yourself in the MGySgt's office, there is a good chance you'll be able to sit down and talk shop with a ready-made cup of hot Joe and get a strong hand shake on the way out.

SgtMaj 3. If you ever find yourself in the SgtMaj's office, it's very likely you won't be able to sit down at all because of all of the "I love me" stuff and you won't have time for a cup of coffee because you'll be too busy making sure every sentence ends in SgtMaj. On the way out he'll make sure and remind you about your duty on Christmas day.



MGySgt 4. If you run in to the MGySgt at the club, he'll probably be a half-a-beer away from smacking up some lieutenant and about 3 chicken wings away from a heart attack. He'll gladly invite

(order) you to come over and drink a beer with him while he tells you how shit hot of a Marine you are (can you drive him home).

SgtMaj 4. If you run in to the SgtMaj at the club, he'll probably be drinking a watered-down Pepsi and eating unsalted popcorn because his body is a temple. He wouldn't think of inviting you over because he is with his fellow 9999s and you just wouldn't understand.

On the way out the door he counsels you on saying the f-word too much and reminds you about duty tomorrow.



MGySgt 5. If you happen to see the MGySgt at PT, he'll be in cammies scratching his head because he thought you said "beer" run instead of "pier" run. If he did come to actually run he's probably still wearing his scarlet and gold PT gear and grey Velcro running shoes from Payless.

SgtMaj 5. When you see the SgtMaj at PT, he'll be running the guidon ( e <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guidon>

n.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guidon ) around the battalion because all of the Marines are really impressed that a 27-year Marine is still in that great of shape. After the run, he will counsel you for your PT shorts not being properly pressed and remind you to check in for duty after you change over.



MGySgt 6. When you call the MGySgt at 0100 and tell him that you are heading to the hospital because your wife is in labor, he'll probably say "Alright brother, drive safely and I'll see you in a couple of weeks. Call me to let me know everything went well."

SgtMaj 6. When you call the SgtMaj at 0100 and tell him that you are heading to the hospital because your wife is in labor, he'll probably say "Who authorized that? Did the Colonel sign off on that package? Fine! Don't forget about formation in the morning."

MGySgt 7. If you happen to see the MGySgt in the barracks after 1630, he's probably just walked over from the club half lit and looking for a ride home. Hide the WMs.

SgtMaj 7. If you happen to see the SgtMaj in the barracks after 1630, he's probably just passing through on his eighty (80)-mile run making sure his Duty NCOs are reading their knowledge and following their General Orders. Hide the MGySgt and the WMs.

MGySgt 8. If you happen to run into the MGySgt in the field, he's probably sitting on a lawn chair, chewing on a fat cigar and messing with the lieutenants. He'll probably have a six (6)-pack of warm brownie pops in his ALICE pack.

SgtMaj 8. If you happen to run into the SgtMaj in the field, he'll probably be checking his fire watches in full combat load with cammie paint on and chewing on some LCpl's behind for wearing faded cammies. He'll probably have a set of dumbbells, extra chevrons, a couple of charge sheets, and the Drill Manual tucked away in his ALICE pack.

MGySgt 9. If you happen to see the MGySgt at the Marine Corps Ball, he's probably about half-a-beer past smacking some lieutenant and working on getting smacked by Sue Ellen for staring at that LCpl's date.

He'll buy you a drink if you'll listen to his story about back in the first Gulf War and help him carry all of his medals out to the cab when it's time to go.

SgtMaj 9. If you happen to see the SgtMaj at the Marine Corps Ball, he's probably drinking a watered-down Pepsi and squaring away the lieutenants' National Defense Medals. His wife's not there because the Corps didn't issue him one (1). He can't buy you a drink because he spent all his cash buying the senior SgtMaj' drinks. He will remind you that he's been to the drill field three (3) times and that he spent the last six (6) months preparing the ceremony.

MGySgt 10. If you happen to see a MGySgt talking to a SgtMaj, he's probably got his hands buried in his pockets and calling him by his first name. He'll probably be thinking about what rank he was in 1990 when the SgtMaj came in and how he got so many stars on his drill instructor ribbon.

SgtMaj 10. If you happen to see a SgtMaj talking to a MGySgt, he's probably standing at parade rest busy making sure that every sentence ends in Master Gunnery Sergeant. He'll probably be thinking about what grade (in school) he was in back in 1979 when the MGySgt came in and how he got so many stars on his good conduct ribbon.

 

[Old Bearkat]

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

Judge asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

OOPSSSS!!

 

[Old Bearkat]

What friends are for.....

 

[Old Bearkat]

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!—

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘ Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to...’

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!’

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[smokeyjoe53]

That looks uncomfortably familiar.................

 

[Old Bearkat]

I imagine it was beer fueled foolishness.....

 

[Little Doc]

Ouch! That's not funny! Too big to be jumping up and down on a diving board anyway.