Funny Jokes

[Old Bearkat]

III. Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:



1. Find out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.
2. Do not fall in love with the Hero.
3. If you do fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. Daddy will clap you in irons, pending your execution. The Hero will rescue you, but having to be rescued is demeaning.
4. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.
5. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, at least maim them. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.
6. If you do fall in love with the Hero, and want him to love you in return, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he does not, or prefers the One True Love, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.
7. Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Keep your clothing to close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see what is behind you. If you have to wear a dress with such a collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that allows you to see behind yourself.
8. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.
9. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.
10. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only take advantage of you. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, take advantage of them.
11. If any of your siblings try to enlist your aid to overthrow Daddy, smile, promise to think it over, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll all get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring).
12. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.
13. Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, you will be able to take over with minimal fuss. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.
14. If you cannot decide between sleeping with the Hero and slowly roasting him alive, postpone dealing with him until you have clarified your emotions.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by submitting the following general guidelines for Evil Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of the amateur.
2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms.
5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.
6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.
7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es). Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames.
8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
9. Don't gloat.
10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.
11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the hero(es) to die slowly. They don't.
12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.
13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hour early -- they hate that.
14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.
15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you are not absolutely comfortable with.
17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.
18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered "bad form."
20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.
21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the s*** comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good hot bath.
22. Never play strip Tarot.
23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.
24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.
25. Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant diety.
26. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.
27. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
28. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.
29. Flourescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
30. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.
31. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.

 

[CowboyP]

I'm guessing you've been bored.

 

[smokeyjoe53]

He's either bored or that pesky Number 3 nuclear generator is leaking again.....................

 

[westexasflats]

If anyone read all that they are the epitome of bored, or sniffed to much green water

 

[Old Bearkat]

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG??

An Israeli Sense of Humor at United Nations set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly
and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,
"What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and
shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said,
"And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."

 

[westexasflats]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

 

[westexasflats]

An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

 

[westexasflats]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

I'm seeing bumper stickers that say, "RUN HILLARY RUN"
I've noticed that the Democrats put them on the rear bumper and Republicans put them on the front bumper.

 

[Old Bearkat]

A guy had a major argument with his wife. After storming away and cooling off, the guy reconsidered his position and realized he was clearly in the wrong. So to make it up to his wife he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said overcome with remorse.

"Oh, I don't know," she replied, "you really don't have to do this, you know. But if you insist, just get me something really expensive that I don't need."

The following day he booked her for chemotherapy.

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Shipwrecked....

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

- Two Italian men and one Italian woman

- Two French men and one French woman

- Two German men and one German woman

- Two Greek men and one Greek woman

- Two English men and one English woman

- Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

- Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

- Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

- Two Irish men and one Irish woman

- Two American men and one American woman

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

* The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.

* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get rescued off this god-forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping...

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started.....

 

[Old Bearkat]

 

[Old Bearkat]

Star Trecking across the Universe. Boldly going forward, because we can not find reverse….

 

[Old Bearkat]

Conservative humor isn’t funny because we’re always picking on weaker, oppressed groups like the president and the government.

I’m awfully clever. I should probably mention that in my bio so people know.

The Republican Party doesn’t win whites by making racial appeals as much as the Democrats lose whites by making racial appeals.

Whites have a bad history with racial appeals.

If racism were to suddenly disappear tomorrow, it’s not the Republican Party that would be hurt.

It’s my job as a journalist to afflict the comfortable, which is why I’m always getting thrown out of the La-Z-Boy showroom.

It’s not my job as a journalist to report the facts. Or at least, I don’t do that. I might not be a journalist.

Always be suspicious if anyone you meet in real life as there are no blue check marks there.

I want to be lectured about science and rationality by people who honestly thought Occupy Wall Street was going to amount to something.

If you were ever an enthusiastic Obama supporter, you’ve given up pretending you care about evidence.

Obama 2009: “I promise that not every one in this country will die from Ebola.” All of his promises have an expiration date.

iPhones make it so much easier/ironic to complain to the world about capitalism.

It’s time to admit that the right and left are each right about some things, and moderates are right about nothing and are just annoying.

If there were people in Texas launching thousands of rockets at Mexico, we’d probably put a stop to that.

Summer Bank Holiday? So in UK, don’t even bother trying to justify a holiday? They just go, “Banks are closed!”

What’s so hard about working at a bank that they need all these holidays? If you need to blow off some steam, just roll around in the money.

If you don’t feel 100% today, it’s probably Ebola.

 

[westexasflats]

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had
the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old
man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to
help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and
drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer
hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink
off the piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else
you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over
there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the
gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that
piano he's going to shove that gun up your bu?? and it won't hurt as
much."