Funny Jokes

Old Bearkat · May 3, 2006

On a Wednesday morning, the boss noticed his star employee - who was always an hour early - was late. After another hour, the boss became concerned, for there had been no phone call, no email, no contact at all. After another half hour, the boss decided to call and see if everything is all right at home. After the phone rings a couple of times, a little boy answers, whispering "Hello". "Hello. Is your Daddy there?" The boss inquired. "Yes." The young boy's voice was barely audible. "Can I speak to him?" "No." The boy replied. "Um... Okay. Is your Mommy there? And can I speak to her?" The boss didn't like the way this conversation was going. "She's here, but you can't talk to her." The boy was still whispering. "What the heck?" Thought the boss. The situation sounded worse than he feared. "Is there anyone else there I can talk to?" The boss tried to keep his concern from shading his voice, but wasn't entirely sure he succeeded. "Well, Mommy and Daddy are talking with the policeman and fireman right now." The boy's voice sank into an even more quiet whisper. About that time, the boss heard the faint sound of a helicopter closing in on the other end of the line. "Is that a helicopter?" "Yes. It's the search and rescue helicopter!" The boy still whispered. "Search and rescue?!? Who's lost?" The boss was almost shouting into the phone. "(Giggle)... I am." the boy whispered back.

Old Bearkat · May 3, 2006

Here's an oldie that has become relevant again!How come Mexico never has a good Summer Olympic team?Because everyone that can run, jump and swim is already in the U.S.

Old Bearkat · May 3, 2006

What do you call a blonde in a motorcycle jacket? A rebel without a clue.

Old Bearkat · May 3, 2006

Did you that the Pope has Bird Flu? He caught from a Cardinal.

Red_Devil_DDS · May 3, 2006

Words Women Use Study this and know it! (taken from Ebaum's) FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'. GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow. GO AHEAD. At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

Old Bearkat · May 3, 2006

Some political humor from my archives!A man dies and goes to h e ll. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist h e ll or to communist h e ll. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist h e ll. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. "What's it like in there?" asks the visitor. "Well," the devil replies, "in capitalist h e ll, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!" he gasps. "I'm going to check out communist h e ll!" He goes over to communist h e ll , where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist h e ll is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. "I'm still in the free world, Karl," he says, "and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there." "In communist h e ll," says Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "ButÃ¢â‚¬Â¦ but that's the same as capitalist h e ll!" protests the visitor, "Why such a long queue?" "Well," sighs Marx, "Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet. The socialist was late. 'Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for sausages.' 'And what is a queue?' the capitalist asked.'And what is a sausage?' the communist asked.A lawyer, a surgeon, a builder and a communist were having an argument about whose trade was older. 'When God condemned Adam and Eve and exiled them from paradise,' said the lawyer, 'that was a legal act! So my profession is the oldest.''But please,' the surgeon said, 'before that God created Eve from Adam's rib. And that was a surgical operation! So my profession is older.''Forgive me,' said the builder, 'but a little bit earlier than that God created the world, he constructed it. So my profession is the oldest. Because as is known, there was only chaos before that.''And who created chaos?' the communist exclaimed triumphantly. 'Certainly, we communists!'Brezhnev and Nixon took a trip by helicopter to inspect workers in the suburbs of Moscow. Nixon noticed workers' barracks with television aerials and exclaimed, 'You have surpassed us! We still don't have TVs in our pigsties!'The teacher asks Pepito, "What systems are incompatible with the Communist system of government?" Pepito answers, "The digestive system and the nervous system." Another teacher asks Pepito, "Tell me three benefits of the Communist revolution." Pepito answers, "Nationalized health care, education, and defense." "Great! Now tell me three challenges the country faces." Answers Pepito, "Breakfast, lunch, and dinner."[ May 03, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]

thetruebatman · May 4, 2006

Q: Have you seen Stevie Wonders wife lately? A: Neither has he!

Old Bearkat · May 5, 2006

An oldie, but still a real laugher.Cat Lover or not...This is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. However, on one recent occasion I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the ****on is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and ****s me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under sink to find the ****on. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold. Why is it that only the women laugh at this? When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?" If they only knew!

Old Bearkat · May 5, 2006

40 WAYS to describe an Idiot 1. A few fries short of a happy meal. 2. The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead. 3. A few bricks shy of a full load. 4. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel. 5. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit all of the branches on the way down. 6. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 7. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. 8. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 9. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 10. A few clowns short of a circus. 11. If he had another brain it would be lonely. 12. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 13. An expirement in Artificial Stupidity. 14. A few beers short of a six-pack. 15. Dumber than a box of hair. 16. A few peas short of a casserole. 17. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one bowl. 18. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. 19. One taco short of a combination plate. 20. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 21. All foam no beer. 22. The cheese slid off of his cracker. 23. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 24. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 25. Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 26. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 27. As smart as bait. 28. Chimney's clogged. 29. Her sewing machine is out of thread. 30. His antenna doesn't get all of the channels. 31. Missing a few ****ons on the remote control. 32. No grain in the silo. 33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 34. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 35. Receiver is off the hook. 36. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 37. Skylight leaks a little. 38. Slinky's kinked. 39. Surfing in Nebraska. 40. In the pinball game of life, his flippers are a little too far apart.

Old Bearkat · May 8, 2006

Here's an oldie I first heard after the 2000 election. "In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then lookup aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and "neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels - (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. All American cars are hereby banned. They are **** and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour [!]. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due(backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

Eddie Haskell · May 8, 2006

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVESTwo guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Blue Bird · May 9, 2006

One of my old X-coaches from way back when told me this one. He graduated from UT and said this was his only reverse-aggie joke.Four busloads of TU students was driving slowly through the hill country when they saw one lone aggie trotting up over a hilltop. The seniors started yelling "stop the buses, stop the buses...alright freshmen, here is your chance to show yourselves pround...go get that aggie!" So the freshmen pile off the buses and go screaming and yelling up over the hilltop.After about twenty minutes of not hearing or seeing anything of the freshmen, the seniors look around and say "OK, the rest of you underclassmen have had more experiance, go get your freshmen and bring us back that aggie" So the rest of the underclassmen go screaming and yelling up over the hilltop.After about twenty minutes of not hearing or seeing anything of the ones sent out, the seniors start working themselves into a frenzy and go screaming and yelling up over the hilltop.After about twenty minutes of not hearing or seeing anything the bus drivers open up their toolboxes get their tire irons out, roll up their shirt sleaves and start walking up toward the hilltop muttering something about "if you want a job done right you had just as well do it yourself".As they reached the crest of the hill they met one lone freshman crawling on all fours back toward them. His pants were ripped, his shirt was hanging in shreds, and he had scalp wound that was bleeding really bad. He raised himself to his knees waving one hand in the direction of the bus drivers. He said "Go back...go back...its a trap...there's two of 'em!"

nobodycares · May 21, 2006

Chuck Norris and Lance Armstrong got in to a contest to see who had the most balls, Chuck Norris won by 3.

Eddie Haskell · May 21, 2006

Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet.He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."The President says, "Oh, my God!" as he buries his head in his hands.The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian??"

Logun Timberlake · May 21, 2006

HAHA

I love it^^..but speaking of Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer...but he never cries.If Chuck Norris and God got in a fight, who would win?.......trick question, Chuck Norris is god..lol

Old Bearkat · May 24, 2006

!!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!! Research on bread indicates that: 1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as ****er, jelly, peanut ****er, and even cold cuts.9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling. In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made: 1. No sale of bread to minors.2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.

granger · May 24, 2006

crud, I just ate a sandwich... at least the cheetos were healthy, right?

Dale Miller · May 25, 2006

Sick Leave: I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?" ;>She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Old Bearkat · May 26, 2006

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by granger: crud, I just ate a sandwich... at least the cheetos were healthy, right?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Probably, although some nanny somewhere could come up with a reason they are bad.

Old Bearkat · May 26, 2006

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on ****ers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings. The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them

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