Funny Jokes
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J.O. may be really familiar with some of these terms!<P>"Batmobiling" putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling" <P>"Betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market" <P>"Blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought <P>"Cobweb" a WWW site that never changes <P>"Elvis year" the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year" <P>"Generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was" <P>"Going postal" totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages <P>"High dome" egghead, scientist, PhD <P>"Irritainment" annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial <P>"Meatspace" the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL" <P>"Percussive maintenance" the fine art of whacking a device to get it working <P>"Prairie dogging" in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look <P>"Salmon day" swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end <P>"Siliwood" the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired" <P>"Square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) computer <P>"Treeware" manuals and documentation <P>"Umfriend" sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend" <P>"World wide wait" WWW <P>"Yuppie food stamps" twenty dollar bills from an ATM
Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?<BR>A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace
A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
A man's car breaks down outside a farm, so he walks to the door to see if he can get some help. The farmer obliges, and as they walk back to the car, the man notices a pig with 2 wooden legs. <BR>"What's with that pig?" he inquires. <BR>"That pig, saved my daughter's life, my son's life, and our barn." <BR>"How so?" <BR>"Well, about 2 years back, my daughter was missing. She'd fallen into the well. We was looking for her, and that pig heard her, found me, and dragged me to the well. Last year, my son was walking the cornfields when he collapsed in the path of the combine. That pig saw it happen, climbed out of the stye, ran into the field and dragged my boy out of the way of the combine. And earlier this spring, we had an electric fire start in the barn. That pig broke down the front door, came upstairs and woke us up." <BR>"Is that how he lost his legs? Burnt in the fire?" <BR>"Naw." said the farmer. "A pig like that, well, you don't eat him all at once."
He said : I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you? <P>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. <P>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! <P>On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" <P>Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?<BR> A. Both of them. <P>Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? <BR> A. He buys two cases of beer. <P>Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?<BR> A. The bonds mature. <P>Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?<BR> A. So men can remember them. <P>Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? <BR>A. We don't know; it has never happened. <P>Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? <BR>A. A widow. <P>Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?<BR> A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. <P>Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?<BR> A. They're married. <P>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. <BR>* If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. <BR>* A child of five would understand me. Send somebody to fetch a child of five. <BR>* One can survive everything nowadays except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. <BR>* I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. <BR>* I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West. <BR>* Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot. <BR>* Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. <BR>* The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing ..... if you can fake that, you've got it made. <BR>* If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. <BR>* What is the difference between literature and journalism? ...... Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all. <BR>* If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
Some very funny military humor. Had to delete one that was a little too risque for this board. PM me if you want that part!<P>At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM) <P>"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR) <P>"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my ****." <P>"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM) <P>"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings <P>"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building. <P>"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE) <P>"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS) <P>"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM) <P>"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command <P>"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM) <P>"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM) <P>"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the **** out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM) <P>"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR) <P>"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command. <P>"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation <P>"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM) <P>"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It’s no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM) <P>"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much... <P>"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of ****ed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building <P>"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV <P>"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea <P>"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies. <P><BR>"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet <P>"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS) <P>"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military <P>"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above <P>"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard) <P>"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...] <P>"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan <P>"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas" <P>"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM) <P>"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet." <P>"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see." <P>"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time." <P>"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS) <P>"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress." <P>"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM) <P>"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference <P>"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference <P>"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal." <P>"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life." <P>"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM) <P>"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM) <P>"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking." <P>"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR) <P>"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM) <P>"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -<p>[ April 24, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight or Dale Gribble goes to the store <P>As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident". <P>I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that way nobody can see what I'm packing. <P>I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. <P>Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything. <P>I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury. <P>I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. <P>The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon. <P>I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock. <P>Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing in on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ****, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing. <P>I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind. <P>And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girl scout, (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. <P>I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my **** is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse. <P>So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse. <P>I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ****. <P>The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my **** slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. <P>I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Maglight. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him. <P>Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. <P>Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.
Sam met his friend Morris on the street. <P>"Morris," he said, "I haven't seen you in years. You look terrible - what's happened?" <P>"You won't believe," said Morris. "I got married three times in the last three years and buried three wives!" <P>"How terrible, Morris, how tragic," Sam said. "What happened?" <P>"Three years ago, I married this rich widow, and she died a month later after eating poison mushrooms. A year later, I met this wealthy divorcee, and she died a month after we married, again from poison mushrooms. Then last year, I married again, and a month later, she died." <P>"Don't tell me," Sam said. "Poison mushrooms." <P>"No, a fractured skull," said Morris. "She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."<p>[ April 24, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
Eddie Haskell
11-man fan
An older couple was lying in bed one night...<P>The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.<P>A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."<P>Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.<P>Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.<P>"Where are you going?" she asked.<P>"To get my teeth!"<P>Edward
garrettc16
11-man fan
haha those are some good ones
Here's another one:<P>Cannon Balls - a History Lesson! <P>It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on <BR>war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the <BR>problem. <P>The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based <BR>pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested <BR>on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small <BR>area right next to the cannon. <P>There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from <BR>sliding/rolling from under the others. <P>The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. <P>But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. <P>The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys. <P>Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster <BR>than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, <BR>the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would <BR>come right off the monkey. <P>Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. <P>And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?
And another from my almost bottomless pit. I have resisted for as long as I could handle it!<P>A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all <BR>served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. <P>They would get together two or three times a week <BR>for coffee and to talk shop. <P>One day, someone made the comment that preaching <BR>to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. <P>One thing led to another and they decided to do an <BR>experiment They would all go out into the woods, find <BR>a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. <P>Seven days later, they're all together to discuss <BR>the experience. <P>Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on <BR>crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. <BR>"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a <BR>bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from <BR>the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do <BR>with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly <BR>grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary <BR>Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop <BR>is coming out next week to give him first communion <BR>and confirmation." <P>Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a <BR>wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an <BR>IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he <BR>claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't <BR>sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I <BR>began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But <BR>that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD <BR>of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one <BR>hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a <BR>creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy <BR>soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a <BR>lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." <P>They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying <BR>in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction <BR>with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He <BR>was in bad shape. <P>The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, <BR>circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously. #'s 11 and 21 are real good ones!<P>1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. <P>2. A day without sunshine is like...night. <P>3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. <P>4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. <P>5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. <P>6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. <P>7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. <P>8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. <P>9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. <P>10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. <P>11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. <P>12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. <P>13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. <P>14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand. <P>15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark? <P>16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. <P>17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. <P>18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. <P>19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? <P>20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get s u c ked into jet engines. <P>21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? <P>22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. <P>23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? <P>24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what <BR>happened? <P>25. Just remember - if the world didn't s u c k, we would all fall off. <P>26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. <P>27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your b u t t tomorrow.<p>[ April 25, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
Eddie Haskell
11-man fan
Your mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.<P>Your mama is so fat she can't wear a Malcolm X jacket because helicopters keep trying to land on her back.<P>Your mama is so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bathtub.<P>Your mama is so hairy, bigfoot takes pictures of her!!!<P>Your mama is so dumb, it takes her an hour to make minute rice.<P>Your mama is so ugly, she walked into the house of mirrors and left with 747 years of bad luck.<P>Your mama is so ugly, when she cries, the tears run down the back of her head so they don't have to see her face.
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand.." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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