Pun-ishment

I used to work at a massage parlor, but I got fired. They said I just rubbed every body up the wrong way.<P><BR>My cat got stolen. I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.<P><BR>The headlines this morning: They're being made by corduroy pillows<P>The grave of Karl Marx is just another Communist plot.
 
What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play?<BR> - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question.<P>What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do?<BR> - Light mouse work<P>Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?<BR> - Because she wanted to mail the litter<P>Where did the kittens go on their class trip?<BR> - To a mewseum (!!!!)<P>What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films?<BR> - Disney Spells
 
Where did the first cats live?<BR> - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal<P>What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat?<BR> - A peeping Tom<P>Hear about the cat who was a tennis fan?<BR> - He had two brothers in the racket.
 
Two strings walked into a bar and jumped on the barstool. Bartender comes over and one string says, "We would like 2 beers." The bartender looks at the strings and tells them they dont serve strings. <P>The strings walk outside and one string frays himself and ties himself into a knot. He walks back into the bar and jumps on the barstool and orders a beer.<P>The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, arent you a string?" The string looks at the bartender and says......Nope, afraid(frayed) not(knot) :D
 
I usually do not spread rumors but here goes<BR>In a small town out East of Dallas there is a very well known Doctor, I was out that way making sales calls and stopped to visit with him and often in the late afternoon we would set on his porch and have a few beer's, well this day he had a few to many and begain to open his heart to me and talk about a lot that was not my business, he told me he had a relationship with one of his patients several times in the last 6 months I tried to cut him off but he kept on, then he started to cry , I finally got him settled down as I thought I am to report this to the medical board it is my sworn duty, well any way I finally said Dr. elmo stop acting like a fool you are a VETEINARIAN!!!!!!!
 
There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an<BR>island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting<BR>over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send<BR>their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.<P>The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp<BR>and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights,<BR>and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor,<BR>brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights,<BR>and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy<BR>preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only<BR>one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it<BR>from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal,<BR>while the knight polished his own armor.<P>When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires<BR>out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).<BR>The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was<BR>the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from<BR>the other two kingdoms.<P>Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the<BR>sum of the squires of the other two sides.
 
People who live beyond their means should act their wage.<P><BR>What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter?<BR>Pumpkin Pi.
 
If killer whales sing as other whales do, do they have an orca-stra?
The boy stood on the burning deck.But he was just trying to stop his pack of cards from going up in smoke.
I took a beer bottle to the recycling center, but they wouldn't take it.
They said: "This is the pint of no return."
If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed.
 
I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.<P>My dog Minton just ate two of my expensive shuttlecocks!<BR>"Bad Minton!"
 
Here's a couple Granger will appreciate, being a math major!<P><BR>The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."<P>A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. <BR>"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.<P>Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"<P>"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."<P>__________________________________________<P>What is the integral of "one over cabin" with respect to "cabin"?<BR>Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
 
Did you hear about the disaster at a major U.S. University?
A team of scientists were cloning monkeys and one of them blew up.
The researchers are now trying to determine what went wrong by sifting through the Rhesus' pieces.
 
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