Pun-ishment

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pure pun-ishment
 
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
 
■If pros and cons are opposite, is progress the opposite of congress?

■I would never be caught dead with a necrophiliac!

■Necrophiliacs put the fun back in FUNeral.

■I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

■Diploma: Da' man who fixes da' pipes.

■Someone's karma ran over my dogma.

■If Satan lost his hair, there would be hell toupee!

■Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

■Be cowful what you utter about udders. You cud be overheard...This could go on and on, but why milk it?.

■Someone stole the precinct toilet. The cops have nothing to go on.

■Fangs for the Memories: Vampire the Musical

■Confucius say: Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls, no walk.

■Confucius say: Man who spends time at cathouse spends night in dog house.

■Confucius say: Man who lay down with dogs, wakes up with fleas.

■Confucius say: Virgin like balloon. One prick, and all gone.

■Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.

■Confucius say: Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

■Confucius say: Man who lives in glass house, change clothes in basement.

■If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

■If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

■Does fuzzy logic tickle?

■Macho: Someone who jogs home from a vasectomy

■Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own

■Dysentery: What you get when dissent merges with commentary

■Liberal: A church with four commandments and six suggestions

■Resume: The closest any of us will ever come to perfection

■Date: An organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you

■Dilemma: Trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place

■Job: A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting

■Sabbatical: A Latin word meaning 'I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year'

■Irony: Buying a suit with two pairs of pants and then burning a hole in the coat

■Insanity: Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes

■Progress: What you get when each mistake is a new one

■Kids: People to be nice to since they are the ones who will choose your nursing home

■Marriage: The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbeki, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarussian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, an Amish, a Romanian, a Chilean, an Eskimo, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans all walk into a fine restaurant.

The maître d’ scrutinizes the group, one by one and bars their entrance, saying: “Sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai.”
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