Pun-ishment

Old Bearkat

Old Bearkat

Six-man expert
A man was charged with stealing ducks from a local pond in a small English village. <BR>When in court, the judge asked how he pleaded. He replied 'Not guilty Mallard' <P>My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn't a free mason. <P><BR>My brother once drew on his face with a green permenant marker pen. We never managed to get it off, so now he's just known as the Indelible Hulk. <P>There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in colour to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. <BR>Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged. <P>Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses? <BR>They will be for people who love meat tender.
 
OK, try these......<P>I always wondered why the ball was getting bigger as it came at me..... then it hit me!<P>I used to want to be a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out.<P>The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh<P>I knew someone once who was a monorail enthusiast. He had a one track mind.<P>The locksmiths' brass band leader was asked to give a keynote speech.
 
Now going for the kill.......<P>Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it mass transit. <P>One time, I had insomnia, so I went to take some sleeping pills, but I didn't want to wake them up. <P>I had a nightmare that I was in Panama during a snowstorm. I was dreaming of a white isthmus. <P>Q: What do you call an Aardvark with a black eye, broken nose and a bandaged arm? <P>A: A vark. <P>One day in a bare field Alicia Algae met Fred Fungus and they sat down on a rock for a while because they took a lichen to each other.<P>The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.<P>biologist friend tells me that constantly developing new varieties of plant can be a strain.<P>Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel?<BR>He woke up exhausted and tired.
 
Today's Stock Market Report: <BR>Helium was up, feathers were down.<P>Paper was stationary.<P>Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.<P>Knives were up sharply.<P>Cows steered into a bull market.<P>Pencils lost a few points.<P>Hiking equipment was trailing.<P>Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.<P>Weights were up in heavy trading.<P>Light switches were off.<P>Mining equipment hit rock bottom.<P>Diapers remained unchanged.<P>Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.<P>The market for raisins dried up.<P>Coca Cola fizzled.<P>Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.<P>Sun peaked at midday.<P>Balloon prices were inflated.<P>Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.<P>And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
 
Your mama is on the seafood diet...whatever food she sees, she eats.<P>Your mama is so fat, she can roll over a dollar and make four quarters.<P>Your mama is so fat, when she went down to the beach...people kept rolling her in the water yelling "Free Wilie!! Free Willie!!".
 
I have a friend who is an agnostic, dyslexic insomniac... he stays awake at night wonderig if doG really does exist.<P>I gave one of my ball players a 0 on a test because I felt he cheated on the test. His answers were the same as the smartest student in the class, except for the last answer. She did not know the short answer question so she just put I DON'T KNOW. the ball player put I DON'T KNOW EITHER. TRUE STORY
 
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road-side. He ordered his driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.<BR> <BR>"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.<BR> <BR>"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.<BR> <BR>"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.<BR> <BR>"But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!"<BR> <BR>"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.<BR> <BR>He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too."<BR> <BR>"But I have a wife and six children," the second man answered.<BR> <BR>"Bring them as well" replied the lawyer.<BR> <BR>They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."<BR> <BR>The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall."
 
Q: How can you tell when a bucket gets sick?<BR>A: It becomes a little pale.<P><BR>Bovine actors should be scene and not herd.<P><BR>I told my psychiatrist I kept dreaming about two computer geeks. He told me I was pair o' nerd.<P>A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation. Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.<BR>When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again<P>He had won every award and received every possible accolade: he was simply the best scarecrow ever. He truly was out standing in his field.<P>When I got sick, my psychaitrist sent me a basket of fruit.<BR>It was shrink wrapped.<BR>And the card didn't say "Get well soon"; it said "How do you feel?".<P>People who live beyond their means should act their wage.<P>The accountant quit his job and joined a commune. He was a member of the counter-culture<P>Two armed robbers raided a bank yesterday, only to find the vaults empty - except for one root vegetable in the middle of the room.<P>That certainly was a turnip for the crooks.<P>I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.
 
Once there was a conference of scholars investigating ancient history. They were considering the nationality of King Darius, mentioned in the Bible as Darius the Mede.<BR>Some of those present took the different view that Darius was actually from Persia, whereas others were inclined to agree with the Bible that he was a Mede.<BR>Tempers began to flare, until one wise professor said, "Let's not argue this! After all, one man's Mede is another man's Persian."
 
There's this inflatable boy, see, and he goes to this inflatable school and, while there, finds himself having a really bad day. Bored with the lesson, he gets up and walks out of the inflatable classroom but, while walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster approaching him.<P>The inflatable boy pulls out a pin and punctures the inflatable headmaster before running out of the inflatbale school gates. Just as he gets past the gates, he thinks again, "I hate school", and once more pulls out his pin and pokes it into the inflatable school. He then runs as fast as his inflatable legs allow, all the way home and races into his inflatable bedroom.<P>A couple of hours later, his inflatable mother is knocking at his bedroom door and with her are the inflatable Police. Panicking, our inflatable boy yet again pulls out the pin and jabs it into himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and, in the bed next to him, he sees the inflatable headmaster.<P>(This does get worse, you know...)<P>Shaking his deflated head - more in sorrow than in anger - the Headmaster gravely intones:<P>"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down."
 
A piece of road walks into a bar and declares to all its occupants: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole of this town!"<P>The piano player stops and the bar goes deadly silent. After a brief pause, all eyes drop, the pianist returns to playing and the piece of road pulls up a bar stool and settles down to a beer.<P>Five minutes later, a piece of dual carriageway throws open the bar door. Once again, the bar goes silent but for the creaking of the slow-moving overhead fans.<P>The dual carriageway declares: "I'm the toughest piece of bitumen you'll ever see this side of the border!"<P>The piece of road slowly turns and locks eyes with the piece of dual carriageway. The tension mounts, other drinkers scatter and take cover.<P>At that precise moment, in walks a piece of freeway which says: "I'm the hardest bit of bitumen in the whole country and I'll take you both on!"<P>And there they stood in a three-way Mexican stand-off for what seemed like an eternity.<P>Once again, the door opens and, into the middle of the stand-off, walks a strange-looking piece of coloured bitumen with a blue stripe. The other three turn their backs to the door, sit down at the bar and stare sheepishly into their drinks.<P>The bartender sidles up to the three of them and asks what the problem is. "Shhhh!", says the dual carriageway, "Watch what you say, that guy's a real cycle path."
 
One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.<BR>The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.<BR>The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.<BR>The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.<BR>"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
 
A group of astronauts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.<BR>One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.<BR>All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"<BR>But the astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...<BR>"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad.<BR>"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"<p>[ July 21, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
 
I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines. Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: <BR>It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."
 
Once upon a time in old France there was a small vineyard run by a coven of witches.<P>The grapes that grew there were used exclusively for the production of raisins, and were always harvested under a full moon to preserve the magic properties some of them had.<P>The witches believed that one full moon in seven was a bad one, and while the raisins made from grapes harvested under a good moon were ordinary (albeit of high quality) and mostly went to general consumption (witches have to make a living too, you know), grapes harvested under a bad moon would rot - with one exception: The biggest and strongest of the grapes would survive to become the legendary.... "Bad Moon Raisin".
 
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