Wife Jokes - Lets Go Easy Here
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Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A man gets home from work, flops into his easy chair with a loud sigh, and says to his wife, "Honey, quick, get me a beer before it starts."
His wife shoots him a questioning look, but brings him a beer. He knocks it back quickly and says, "Quick, get me another one before it starts."
This time the look is a glare, but she brings him another beer, which he knocks back as quickly as before. Again, "Hurry, bring me another one, it could start any minute."
She puts her hands on her hips and launches. "Look what do you think this is? Do you think I've just been sitting on my duff all day doing nothing? Do you think I'm your slave?"
He puts his face in his hands and says, "Too late, it's started."
His wife shoots him a questioning look, but brings him a beer. He knocks it back quickly and says, "Quick, get me another one before it starts."
This time the look is a glare, but she brings him another beer, which he knocks back as quickly as before. Again, "Hurry, bring me another one, it could start any minute."
She puts her hands on her hips and launches. "Look what do you think this is? Do you think I've just been sitting on my duff all day doing nothing? Do you think I'm your slave?"
He puts his face in his hands and says, "Too late, it's started."
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A man has five items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Translations of the Female Language
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use Fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or Do what you want, because I don't care. You will get a raised eyebrow Go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh>: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.
<Soft Sigh>: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says Oh before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is Fine when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. Oh, as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows Go ahead followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go ahead. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot": This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks a lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use Fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last Five Minutes and end with the word Fine.
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or Do what you want, because I don't care. You will get a raised eyebrow Go ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.
<Loud Sigh>: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.
<Soft Sigh>: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft Sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says Oh before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is Fine when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. Oh, as the lead to a sentence, usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows Go ahead followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. That's Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow Go ahead. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful, and you shouldn't get a That's Okay.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot": This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks a lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.
CowboyP
Six-man expert
I heard nearly every one of those yesterday!
A_Whippersnapper
11-man fan
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish…”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want..”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want..”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.”
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
A_Whippersnapper
11-man fan
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!*
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
*To be fair, my first ex was 5'10", 115 lbs when we met (she had two kids). When we divorced (after 3 kids together, five total) her weight may have increased by 3 lbs, which, in no way, meant she was elephantine. This is, after all, a joke topic.
Marry her!*
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
*To be fair, my first ex was 5'10", 115 lbs when we met (she had two kids). When we divorced (after 3 kids together, five total) her weight may have increased by 3 lbs, which, in no way, meant she was elephantine. This is, after all, a joke topic.
CowboyP
Six-man expert
A fairy tale for men.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"
The girl said "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after. And rode motorcycles, and went fishing & hunting, and played golf, and drank beer, and had money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever & wherever he wanted.
The end.
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"
The girl said "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after. And rode motorcycles, and went fishing & hunting, and played golf, and drank beer, and had money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up, and farted whenever & wherever he wanted.
The end.
oldfat&bald
Six-man fan
CowboyP":2feu4n5a said:
That would be a perfect story if the guy drank good whiskey and smoked good cigars too.
fajitapete
Six-man fan
oldfat&bald":314brnyb said:
I do
A_Whippersnapper
11-man fan
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Q. What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?
A : AGE.
A : AGE.
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's dang near perfect."
And then the fight started........
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's dang near perfect."
And then the fight started........
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
Old Bearkat
Six-man expert
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
CowboyP
Six-man expert
The other night I challenged my wife to a game of fart football.
I got 45'd......
I got 45'd......
pojocrusader
11-man fan
Oh yeah pretty gross there cowboy ................. CreePo