Wife Jokes - Lets Go Easy Here

[SavannahSixManFan]

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

[CRSARM]

Not a wife joke but I love this one. I apologize ahead of time for offending anyone, it is all in fun.



HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
They Had simultaneous Headaches.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
Only 3 illegitimate children.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030..

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent..

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared.

I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!








Stop organized crime. Re-elect no one.

 

[seguinlifegate]

Wife walks out of the bedroom...husband watching TV

Wife: Whats on the TV Hun??

Husband: Dust...

 

[Old Bearkat]

Now that some of the regular's wives have joined this hangout, I thought I'd revive this topic....

 

[Old Bearkat]

Any married man should forget his mistakes because there is no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

[Old Bearkat]

And ladies, feel free to post husband jokes here too.......

 

[Old Bearkat]

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

 

[Old Bearkat]

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

[smokeyjoe53]

When a man marries a woman, it's a mystery. When he marries 2 women it's a bigamystery.

 

[Old Bearkat]

When a man marries a woman, it's a mystery. When he marries 2 women it's a bigamystery.

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Thank you and don't forget to tip your waitress.......

 

[Shad Kline]

Tom: my wife is an angel.
Mark: you're lucky, mine is still alive.

 

[Shad Kline]

I never knew what true happiness was before I got married.


Now its too late.

 

[rainjacktx]

My wife wanted something that would go from 0 - 200 in three seconds. So I bought her a scale.

 

[oldfat&bald]

I think I'll just let that one go away.

 

[oldfat&bald]

And I sure do hope ACowboysWife ain't quoting it. Dang they should put the cancel button farther from the submit button

 

[H&H]

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because all those men already have boyfriends.


The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.


How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage, he’ll go to sleep before you finish saying it.

 

[Shad Kline]

Wife to husband: I think I want a breast enhancement.
Husband: we don't have the money, just rub toilet paper between em.
Wife: how could that make my breasts bigger?
Husband: I don't know how or why, I just know it worked for your bottom!

 

[oldfat&bald]

Wife to husband: I think I want a breast enhancement.
Husband: we don't have the money, just rub toilet paper between em.
Wife: how could that make my breasts bigger?
Husband: I don't know how or why, I just know it worked for your bottom!

I hope your wife don't read this board Hornboy.

 

[Shad Kline]

I hope your wife don't read this board Hornboy.

I ain't askeered! (Meaning, fortunately she does NOT)