Thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital ...

[freeagent]

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive , it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

[Mustang76]

Awwwwww and you went and contacted a whole bunch of unstable people.

 

[ModeratorOld Bearkat]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" John asked.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project" said Tommy.

The Robot immediately walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie."

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The Robot again went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you Son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The Robot immediately knocked Marsha out of her chair