Today's lawn mower safety tips:
• Unless you are really fast, always sharpen the blade before starting the mower.
• Before starting the mower, make sure the cat is not taking a nap on the blade.
• Before starting the mower, always count your toes and choose the ones you'd most like to keep.
• Remember, mowing with bare feet or bare legs is bloody stupid.
• Never mow wet grass with an electric mower -- unless you enjoy singing "You Light Up My Life."
• Never point the mower's discharge chute at anyone you're really trying to impress.
• Never gas up the mower in a garage containing a hot water heater. The flame from the heater can ignite the gasoline. And the smell of burned flesh does nothing for a garage sale.