Chili

[DirtyShame]

Any decent chili recipes or a place to get a bowl of red!!

 

[Red_Devil_DDS]

No real championship-quality chili cook is going to give out their recipes here! So anything offered up in public will be missing a lot of ingredients.

 

[Old Bearkat]

This one has been around a while, but is still hilarious.....you can get some recipe ideas from it. <P>Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank: <P>"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding<BR>Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off<BR>because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person<BR>called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be<BR>standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the<BR>beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two<BR>judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides<BR>they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I<BR>accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when<BR>you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by<BR>all." <P><BR>Here are the scorecards from the event: <P><BR>* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. <BR>JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy<BR>smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from<BR>your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames<BR>out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. <P><BR>* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight<BR>Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more<BR>peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach<BR>of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste<BR>besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give<BR>me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the<BR>beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler<BR>after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging<BR>sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.<BR>She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I<BR>will NOT pick a fight with her. <P><BR>* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more<BR>beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of<BR>red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,<BR>I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been<BR>sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got<BR>out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid<BR>pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part<BR>of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably<BR>behind her back they call her "Forklift." <P><BR>* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.<BR>Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.<BR>Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a<BR>chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but<BR>was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with<BR>fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.<BR>When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled<BR>... it's kinda cute. <P><BR>* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly<BR>ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO:<BR>Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit<BR>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears<BR>are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and<BR>four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant<BR>seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain<BR>damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it <BR>from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other<BR>judges asked me to stop screaming. <P><BR>* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good<BR>balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.<BR>Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.<BR>FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with<BR>gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me<BR>except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. <P><BR>* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned<BR>peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in<BR>canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I<BR>am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of<BR>distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and<BR>pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in<BR>one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing<BR>water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed<BR>out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know<BR>what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.<BR>Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.<BR>I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not<BR>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in<BR>through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and<BR>tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue. <P><BR>* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili <P><BR>JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,<BR>neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost<BR>when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of<BR>himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend<BR>chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare<BR>its existence. FRANK: Momma??!!