freeagent
Six-man pro
Just found a few of these ... including my favorite, where lawyers are found to be the oldest profession ...
----- There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again.
This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.
But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.
When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
----- A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had been around the longest.
Deciding to back up his position by resorting to theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant that doctors had been around since the creation of man.
The engineer, not to be outdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos. This, the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving that engineers have been around since the creation of the earth.
"Well," said the lawyer with a grin on his face, "obviously there were lawyers around before that."
"What do you mean," asked the others. Replied the lawyer, "where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?"
----- One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other.
"Hey, watch where you're going".
"No, you watch where you're going".
"I can't, I'm blind".
"Hey, me too. What are you?".
"I don't know, what are you?". "I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we can figure out what we are?".
"OK, me first". The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out: "You're warm, and soft, and furry, and you've got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles...I think you're a rabbit!".
"Yes!" the rabbit exclaims "I'm a rabbit, YEHHH !!". "Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!!" The rabbit then starts checking out the snake: "Ooohh..you're cold, with beady little eyes and a tongue that's going about 100 mph..."
"Oh Crap!" exclaims the snake, "I must be a lawyer!".
----- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
----- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
----- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
----- There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again.
This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari.
But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven.
When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
----- A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were discussing whose profession had been around the longest.
Deciding to back up his position by resorting to theology, the doctor pointed out that God created Eve from one of Adam's ribs. This, he argued, was clearly a surgical procedure, which meant that doctors had been around since the creation of man.
The engineer, not to be outdone, pointed out that God created the entire earth out of chaos. This, the engineer exclaimed, was clearly the work of an engineer, proving that engineers have been around since the creation of the earth.
"Well," said the lawyer with a grin on his face, "obviously there were lawyers around before that."
"What do you mean," asked the others. Replied the lawyer, "where do you think all the chaos came from in the first place?"
----- One day a blind baby rabbit and a blind baby snake bumped into each other.
"Hey, watch where you're going".
"No, you watch where you're going".
"I can't, I'm blind".
"Hey, me too. What are you?".
"I don't know, what are you?". "I don't know... How about we check each other out and see if we can figure out what we are?".
"OK, me first". The snake comes over to the rabbit and starts checking him out: "You're warm, and soft, and furry, and you've got these long ears, and a nose that wiggles...I think you're a rabbit!".
"Yes!" the rabbit exclaims "I'm a rabbit, YEHHH !!". "Yes you must be, now my turn, come check me out!!" The rabbit then starts checking out the snake: "Ooohh..you're cold, with beady little eyes and a tongue that's going about 100 mph..."
"Oh Crap!" exclaims the snake, "I must be a lawyer!".
----- A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?" "4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
----- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
----- A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
