Christmas Humor

[Old Bearkat]

Might as well laugh as you blow your savings and max out your credit card this month....

Dateline Washington D.C.

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

[Old Bearkat]

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

 

[fajitapete]

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all;


Additionally,
a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.

(Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)

 

[smokeyjoe53]

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukkah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Why We Put Angels On Top Of Christmas Trees
One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems …… everywhere. Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more. After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn’t it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn’t it just the loveliest Christmas tree you’ve ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?”
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[SavannahSixManFan]

psst, SmokeyJoe53, according to your signature you dont like banjo music?

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Not after Deliverance

 

[CowboyP]

How did we go from Christmas humor to deliverance banjos?

 

[smokeyjoe53]

It was easy, in a convoluted way. Savannah asked about my signature. The rest is history.

 

[SavannahSixManFan]

Just a wondering smokeyjoe53, here in Savannah, Gretsch Music Foundation had a warehouse in Ridgeland South Carolina filled with misl parts for about 60 banjos. They were going to throw them away but contacted the Savannah Folk Music Society and ended up donating all the parts which were used for workshops focusing on the construction of real (not cigar box or candy tin) banjos.

I participated in one of these workshops in 2009 but after about six months could not get my fingers to grasp the banjo claw hammer technique after over 40 years of flat pickin’ acoustic guitars. I ended up giving the banjo to one of my nephews that lives in East Texas. I visited him recently during the Thanksgiving Holidays and he was not staying with it but his dad was getting into it. I showed him some banjo websites to get him some basic instructions. He may be pickin’ Rocky Top the next time I see him.
Here is a link to the 2010 banjo building workshop that two of my co-workers participated in.

http://blog.gretsch.com/gretsch-foundat ... p/2010/05/

 

[CowboyP]

So savannah is attempting to hijack another thread...

 

[oldfat&bald]

I ended up giving the banjo to one of my nephews that lives in East Texas.

Which was highly appropriate. Us good folks here in W TX know what a bunch of stump-jumping hill-billies those folks in E TX are. :mrgreen:

BTW, does he pick his tooth with a pocket knife? :lol:

 

[smokeyjoe53]

I ended up giving the banjo to one of my nephews that lives in East Texas.

Which was highly appropriate. Us good folks here in W TX know what a bunch of stump-jumping hill-billies those folks in E TX are. :mrgreen:

BTW, does he pick his tooth with a pocket knife? :lol:

Which reminds me of this:
Do you know what the definition of a gentleman is?






Someone who knows how to play the banjo but chooses not to.

 

[Old Bearkat]

Happy Xmas and Happy New Year

As we finish up the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery!

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.


I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy cookies from Girl Scouts since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.


I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

NOW YOU ALL HAVE YOURSELVES A VERY GOOD DAY, AND HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS!

 

[SavannahSixManFan]

SmokeyJoe, like your gentleman joke... have to sent that one to brother in law...

 

[SavannahSixManFan]

OFB, dont know it he used his jackknife to pick his teeth, but his dad tells of a story where his sister brought a new boyfriend over and when they drove up my nephew was target practicing with his .22 off the back porch... Bro-In-Law said it was better than the country/western song 'bout the dad sending his daughter off with a boy after meeting him, cleaning his gun, saying "yall have fun, come back 10... er 9:30 you hear?"...

 

[fajitapete]

1. The judge asked the defendant stood before him what he was charged with. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," was the reply. "That not illegal!. How early were you shopping?" Before the store was open he replied.

2. What did the snowman order at Burger King? Ice-burgers with Chilli sauce

3. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite

4. What do you call a snowman on roller blades? A snowmobile

5. How can a snowman lose weight? He hangs around till summer

6. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes

7. How does Jack Frost travel to work? By Icicle

8. What does Jack Frost get for Christmas day? A Freezer

9. What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause

10. Who looks after Father Christmas when he is ill? The national Elf service

11. What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a duck? Christmas Crackers

12. A little boy asked Santa what he did in the off-season. Santa replied," Well, I do have three gardens." The little boy asked Santa why he had three. Santa chuckled and said," So I can ho, ho, ho!"

13. There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, "Look honey. It is raining." She, being the obstinate type, responded, "I do not think so, dear. I think it is snowing." But Rudolph knew better. So he says to his wife, "Let us step outside and we will find out." Lo and behold, they step outside and discover it was in fact rain. And Rudolph turns to his wife and replies," I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

14. What is red and white and black all over? Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.

15. Santa Claus has a fear of getting stuck in the chimney. It is called Claus-trophobia.

16. Santa goes up and down so many chimneys that he is thinking of getting a yearly flue shot?

 

[smokeyjoe53]

Oh man, the corn crop is really good this year.

 

[fajitapete]

enjoy