Funny Jokes

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Feb 22, 2018 3:25 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Feb 22, 2018 3:26 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Feb 22, 2018 3:27 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Wed Aug 15, 2018 7:49 pm

Too long since we had something here ...

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman as President.

A few days after the election the President-elect calls her father in Milwaukee and asks, "So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It' s a long drive; your mom isn't as young as she used to be, we'll have the dog with us, and my arthritis is acting up in my knee."

"Don't worry about it, Dad. I'll send Air Force One or another support aircraft to pick you up and take you home, and a limousine will pick you up at your door," she said.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?"

"Oh, Dad," she replied, "I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by one of the best designers in New York."

"Honey," Dad complained, "You know we can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-elect responded, "Don't worry, Dad. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in D.C. and I'll ensure your meals are salt-free. Dad, I really want you to come."

So her parents reluctantly agreed, and on January 20, 2025 they arrived to see their daughter sworn in as President of the United States.

The parents are seated in the front row. The President's dad sees that a Senator is sitting next to him and whispers, "You see that woman up there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?

The Senator whispered in reply, "Yes, sir, I sure do ."

Dad says proudly, "Her brother plays football for the Packers."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Feb 05, 2019 3:20 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Tue Feb 05, 2019 10:55 pm

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband."

The pharmacist says, "Sorry, I can't do that."

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Eddie Haskell » Wed Nov 20, 2019 10:33 pm

goob What can a chicken do that a man cant? A = Whistle through his _ ecker wood
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:47 pm

There was a Communist guy from Russia named Rudolf Koffalot. He was sitting in his living room, about to doze off, but he woke up when he thought he heard rain. He looked outside and called out to his wife in the kitchen. "Natasha. Look. It is raining." She looked outside. "No Rudolf. It is snowing". Rudolf was not used to being argued with. He stomped his foot on the floor and exclaimed "Rudolf, the Red, knows rain, dear."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:57 pm

There was a famous cook from a prominent bakery. He wanted a knife that could slice two loaves of bread perfectly. After six months of searching, he found one in Texas. He knew there had to be one that would cut three loaves of bread. After two years, he found one in China. "Whoopee!' he shouted when he found that it worked. Now he had to have one that would cut four loaves. He searched the world over, and after ten years, he finally found one in Nepal that would cut four loaves of bread at once. He shouted "Eurika! A four loaf cleaver!"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Wed Dec 25, 2019 11:56 am

Hear about the Speaker of the House that picked her nose and her head caved in?
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Wed Dec 25, 2019 12:05 pm

The House of Representatives in Washington DC needed a new auditor for the Democrat side of the House. They decided to give a very popular Democrat a short math quiz in front all House members to make sure he knew his math. He was asked "How much is two and two?" He answered "Four." All of the Democrats in the room jumped to their feet, shouting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Thu Dec 26, 2019 7:01 am

A preacher had stomach cramps while he was preaching on a Sunday morning. He asked the choir director to take over and headed straight to the restroom which was in choir room directly behind the sanctuary. The choir director started preaching, and suddenly, there all kind of sounds mixed with moaning, splashes, and farts emitting from the sanctuary speakers. The preacher had forgotten to turn off his remote mic.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Thu Dec 26, 2019 9:59 pm

True Story. I was driving a school bus with around 50 students back to school from the Sandy Lake Band Contest in Carrollton. We were headed back on I-45 to a town in central Texas. Somewhere close to Corsicana, a car full of guys pulled up beside the bus and one of them "mooned" us. I got the make of car, the licence number, the color of the car and the time. This was before cell phones so no pictures or movies were taken, but I thought I had'em dead to rights. Once back at school,I called 911 and asked to be connected with the Hiway Patrol (DPS). I gave the officer the details, but everything came to a screeching halt when he told me I would have to identify the "mooner".
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Klaactu » Fri Dec 27, 2019 12:15 pm

Klaactu wrote:Hear about the Speaker of the House that picked her nose and her head caved in?
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Thu Jan 02, 2020 8:46 pm

One day an old German shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost..

Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep stuff now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience
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