Funny Jokes

anything else?

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Nov 20, 2015 11:52 am

"A liberal's paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.
"And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called Prison."

~Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Nov 20, 2015 11:53 am

I too was once a male trapped in a female body......
But then my mother gave birth...
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Nov 20, 2015 11:54 am

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Nov 20, 2015 11:57 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Nov 20, 2015 12:06 pm

Outrage on Campus!

A *MAN* was spotted!

Chaos ensues!

Campus organizers were both shocked and scrambling for an acronym to describe the appalling lapse of security that would allow a *MAN* to saunter onto our precious institute of higher outrage.

“It was horrible!” Bellowed Twanita Pizspot, professional student activist. “This, this, *MAN* had the nerve to walk with his head up! And will look you straight in the eye!

Can you believe, in these progressive times, that this agressive racist male behaviour is tolerated!?! I demand action! They must be indoctrinated!”

Rumors of this male monster having a real job sent further shockwaves through sensitivity central.

Diddle major Swinkle Tushtats was inconsolable. “Next thing you’ll tell precious me is that he’s married to an actual woman and calls her *his* *WIFE*! *HIS*!”

“As a progressive guilt-ridden white male,” chirped Panda Clump, whoever the fluck this twink is, “I find this not only highly offensive, but it is a direct insult to our beloved black overlord, who is as progressively wussy as they come.”

fsst! . . . . . .

Oops... we’ve lost the feed, Mel. The campus wind power generators must be clogged up with dead eagles & stoners again.

Hmmm . . .. Well, now back to our program, “Milestones in Bernie Saunders life: his first temper tantrum.” .
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Dec 04, 2015 12:57 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Dec 04, 2015 12:59 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Dec 11, 2015 11:53 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Dec 11, 2015 11:54 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Sat Jan 02, 2016 10:56 pm

Of course, I do not condone drinking and driving ... you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

With the Holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends. Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

Happy Holidays and be safe out there
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:11 pm

Moving to Chicago:

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago ,
when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an
emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

“What’s the matter, afraid of flying?” Bob asked.

“No, it’s not that. I’ve been transferred to Chicago .
The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest
crime rate in the nation.”

Bob replied, “I’ve lived in Chicago all my life. It’s not
as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to
work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids
in a nice private school. I’ve worked there for 14 years
and never had the slightest trouble.”

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, “Oh,
thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you’ve
lived and worked there all those years and say it’s OK,
I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:17 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:18 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:47 am

My wife came home, with something evidently on her mind.

"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little, promising smile, then reached into her cleavage and slowly pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Wow, this seemed to be 'going places.'

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said with anticipation.

She gave me another sexy little smile, and slowly and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

I was getting curious at this point.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

She then said, "Well, go and take a look at our car in the garage."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:48 am

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.



What did she think I had an elephant?



So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.



I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)



Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.



I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.



Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.

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