Funny Jokes

anything else?

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:12 am

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens.

The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect Arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says." You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,...

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Wed Jul 15, 2015 2:37 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:07 am

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots.

Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.

I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I've been in Consistent, but not on a regular basis

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in.

It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:13 am

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Pinot Noir, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a packet of Penguins, the remainder of bottle of Prozac, Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:14 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 17, 2015 9:15 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:00 pm

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A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby 51eleven » Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:43 pm

freeagent wrote:Image

A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

I guess she left with the impression everything's bigger in Texas.

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:53 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby 51eleven » Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:30 pm

51eleven wrote:
freeagent wrote:Image

A woman in New York told a friend that she was going to Texas on her vacation.

Her friend asked her why on earth she wanted to go to Texas.

She said, "I've always wanted to eat some really good Mexican food, and I figure that's the best place to get it. I've always wanted to learn how to two step, and Texas is the home of the two step. And I've always wanted to make love to a good ol boy cowboy type. I figure I can find one there for sure.

After her vacation and when she had returned to work her friend asked her how her vacation in Texas went.
"Did you find your Mexican food?" She said, "We were in San Antonio and found a place on the Riverwalk with the best Tex Mex food I have ever even imagined."

Her friend asked, "Did you get to two step?" She replied, "In Austin, which is the Music Capital of the world, we found a great place to dance. I danced all night long."

Her friend then asked, "Did you get the chance to make love to your good ol boy cowboy type?" She told her, "Well, I found a really hunky cowboy type in Houston, but when I saw the size of the condom in his back pocket I said 'Oh, hell no.' "


I guess she left with the impression everything's bigger in Texas.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Jul 28, 2015 6:58 am

"Pain is nature's way of reminding you that you're only one bear attack away from being the hamburger in the bun of life".
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:25 am

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:26 am

A man is stuck in traffic on I-25 near Denver. He asks a Police officer about the delay as he walks from car to car speaking with each of the drivers.

The policeman says, "There are three Muslims blocking traffic and threatening to douse themselves with gas and set themselves on fire if we don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're taking up a collection for them."

The Man replies, "How much have you got so far?"

The Policeman responds, "About 30 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby 51eleven » Fri Jul 31, 2015 7:21 pm

Two lawyer's from the Big City went hunting in West Texas. Dropped off by the rancher's hand to walk the last bit to their stands they came across some tracks. The first one bent down and declared these are deer tracks. The second one bent down and looked closely and said Counselor you don't know what your talking about, these are antelope tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Aug 07, 2015 9:43 am

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