Funny Jokes

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Sat Jun 13, 2015 10:53 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Jun 18, 2015 5:13 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:18 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:19 am

A man owned a small ranch near Sheridan, Wyoming. The Wyoming Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the investigator.

“Well,” replied the rancher, “there’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board.

But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,” says the investigator.

“You’re talking to him,” replied the rancher.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jun 19, 2015 10:23 am

A Man’s Age, as Determined by aTrip to Home Depo

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden.You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, oldT-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore
because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms’.

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jun 19, 2015 12:18 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:34 pm

Boudreau got arrested for shooting a Pelican.
The judge said Boudreaux you can’t shoot Pelican’s. Dat’s our state bird! Didn’t you know that?
Boudreau said, No your honor, I didn’t know dat.
The judge let him off with a warning. And as Boudreau was about to leave, the judge said, what’s a Pelican taste like?
Boudreau, said oh they’re good, but they not as juicy and tender as a bald eagle.

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:38 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 03, 2015 4:39 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby 51eleven » Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:18 pm

Old Bearkat wrote:Image


Sorry OBK I can't laugh at this one. That flag represents independence and a willingness to defend from invasion for me, not racism. I deplore the racist, white supremest, nazi, KKK, skinheads who have appropriated it and their actions.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby 51eleven » Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:30 pm

Since I've never posted on this thread before... My Junior year in HS Math teacher asked me outside the door before class. Ever heard of the Oh No bird? No, I said. He's from a Pacific Island and is extinct now. Why? I asked? Well, he said, he had legs about an inch long and testicles about two inches long. Every time he came in for a landing he screeched "Oh No, Oh No, OH NO."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:36 am

I liked the story of Lot and his wife.
On the day they were to leave Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his wife and children were leaving the house.

Lots wife: “Lot, I can't believe that you offered up your beautiful daughters to those men to protect men we don't even know. What kind of a man are you to do such a thing? Now, after all the time wandering in the desert, you say we have to leave home here and move off into the wilderness again, I swear, I think I married the wrong brother! Lot, what kind of a man are you?”

Lot to his wife: "Did you turn off the water in the kitchen sink?"

Lot’s wife as she turns to go back “Lot, what am I goin--------"

Lot smiles!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:41 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:42 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Jul 10, 2015 9:43 am

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