Funny Jokes

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby smokeyjoe53 » Sun Nov 06, 2016 8:38 am

Darwin Award Winner..............
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Sun Nov 13, 2016 10:43 pm

It has been said that Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. That was because he didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked!"

Months pass after God created Eve for Adam. During one of his morning strolls, God joins him.
Adam says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God replies, "Well, Adam, that's so you would fall in love with her."
Adam replies back, "God, she's wonderful....except..."
God looks puzzled and replies, "Except what??"
Adam says, "Why did you make her so stupid?"
God replies back to Adam, "So she would fall in love with you."

Well Adam and Eve had just consumated their relationship for the first time and Adam was sitting against a tree smoking a cigarette. About this time God comes through the bushes and sees Adam's smug smile.
Now God's being all knowing says "Adam, I see you and Eve have experienced the pleasures of the flesh as I had planned. Very good indeed. By the way, where is Eve?"
Adam replies, "Lord, she's down at the river washing up."
God rushes toward the river screaming, "Now I'll never get that smell out of those fish!"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Wed Apr 26, 2017 1:06 pm

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

The first is from India, the second from China, and the third from Pakistan.

They go with White House officials to examine the fence. The Indian takes out his tape measure and works some figures. “Well,” he says, I figure the job will cost about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 for me.”

The Chinese does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do it for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my team, and $100 for me.”

The Pakistani doesn’t measure or calculate. He leans over to the official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official says, “How did you come up with that figure!?”

The Pakistani whispers, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and $700 to hire the Chinese to do the job.”
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri May 19, 2017 7:15 am

Last summer I visited the remains of the Viking colony there. It was an excellent trip, I wrote about it at the time. The guides were very knowledgeable. They told us an interesting story. It seems that once the colony failed, Leif Erikson returned to his native village in Greenland. When he returned, he found that he was no longer listed on the village rolls. He wasn't even allowed to vote in tribal council! Shocked, he went to the village clerk to ask why. The clerk investigated and got back to him the next day. “I'm sorry, I must have taken Leif off my census”!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri May 19, 2017 7:17 am

Say, did you hear about the Amish alcoholic? Poor guy, he kept falling off the wagon.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue May 23, 2017 6:53 am

Image
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby smokeyjoe53 » Tue May 23, 2017 9:27 am

Old Bearkat wrote:Image

That's a Chinese squirrel............ his name is Won Hung Lo...........
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby freeagent » Tue Jul 18, 2017 12:05 am

The doctor comes in and says,

"Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay,

you'll walk again and everything,

however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

"You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says,

"You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day,

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops.”
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby smokeyjoe53 » Tue Jul 18, 2017 9:27 am

That's so close to the truth it's not funny...........
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Wed Jul 19, 2017 7:56 am

smokeyjoe53 wrote:That's so close to the truth it's not funny...........

SO close to the truth it is funny.........
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