Funny Jokes

anything else?

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:22 pm

OK, the last one for a while! Someone's gotta put some life in this board in the off season!<P>COYOTE v. ACME <BR>In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona <BR>Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding <P>Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff <BR>v. <BR>Acme Company, Defendant <P>Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. <P>Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. <P>Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. <P>Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. <P>Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. <P>Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a ****e a wooden trough beginning at the top of the ****e and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the ****e. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. <P>In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following dis- figurements to Mr. Coyote: <P>1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. <BR>2. Sooty discoloration. <BR>3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. <BR>4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. <BR>5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. <P>We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. <P>To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. <P>At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. <P>The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. <P>A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. <P>As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manu- facture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. <P>Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Eddie Haskell » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:12 pm

Someone's go to put some life in this board,No one here can keep up with you,Bearkat....Here we Go<P>What's the best old age???<P>Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the "throne" and nothing comes out!"<P>"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the "throne" all day and nothing comes out!"<P>"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old. "No, not really. I<BR>pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one<BR>every morning at 6:30."<P>With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"<P>"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby granger » Tue Apr 25, 2006 3:35 pm

I'm just worried Bearkat got laid off or that nobody was monitoring the reactor.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Lights_Out » Tue Apr 25, 2006 4:41 pm

Eddie Haskell that was good 1. :D
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 5:36 pm

<BLOCKQUOTE><font>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by granger:<BR><STRONG>I'm just worried Bearkat got laid off or that nobody was monitoring the reactor.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Nope, just a slow day at the office.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Lights_Out » Tue Apr 25, 2006 8:26 pm

Here are some funny quotes:<BR>If barbie is so popular,why do u have to buy her friends.<BR>When everything is coming ur way ur in the wrong lane.<BR>I couldn't repair ur brakes so i made ur horn louder.<BR>Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening",and then they proceed to tell why it isn't. :D :D
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby granger » Tue Apr 25, 2006 9:24 pm

Good to hear you are still on the job Bearkat, I didn't want a 'Pepsi Syndrome' going off in the Midwest.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Wed Apr 26, 2006 8:18 am

Yeah, we have the cleaning lady standing by just in case though! She kinda looks like Garret Morris.<P>Company rumors have it that we may be building a new nuke in Texas starting in 2011. Unfounded speculation among us old Texas hands within the company is that it would be in East Texas near Paris.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby gohorns40 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 5:35 am

Take the trip, its worth the effort.<BR><A>The Darks u c k e r Theory</A>
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Apr 27, 2006 7:25 am

<BLOCKQUOTE><font>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gohorns40:<BR><STRONG>Take the trip, its worth the effort.<BR><A>The Darks u c k e r Theory</A></STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Error 404:<BR>File Not Found<P>Oooopps!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Apr 27, 2006 7:30 am

A PC Christmas Carol<P>Politically Correct Version<BR>(With Apologies to Clement Clark Moore)<P>Twas the night before Christmas, or to offend none at all,<BR>A night in December, 'fore a gift-exchange haul.<P>Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,<BR>Which were not deemed as pests, but were guests in this house.<P>The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,<BR>But no fire was ablaze to pollute the night air.<P>The children were nestled all snug in their beds,<BR>While visions of tofu danced in their heads.<P>My life partner in gown, and I in my cap,<BR>Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,<P>When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,<BR>I slipped on my Birks to see what was the matter.<P>Away to the window I flew like a flash,<BR>To insure a poor creature was not in my trash.<P>The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow<BR>Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,<P>And I wondered aloud, at this image so charming,<BR>Will these scenes disappear on a globe that is warming?<P>Then suddenly, what to eyes should appear,<BR>Than a red-suited man, oppressing eight flying deer.<P>They were harnessed and forced to obey his command,<BR>I wished PETA had been there to make a strong stand.<P>Though the notion of "Christmas" was long since passé,<BR>As I watched, I recalled an old myth of that day.<P>A full-figured resident of the North Pole,<BR>Would travel the world in a generous role.<P>He'd hop house-to-house, a courier, of sorts,<BR>Like a UPS man, but without the brown shorts,<P>And bring gifts to children, with no cost or fee,<BR>And place them all under the Holiday Tree.<P>The myth was unfounded, as far as I knew,<BR>But with what I was seeing, could it be true?<P>And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,<BR>The prancing and pawing of each abused hoof.<P>He came down the chimney, but stopped short I fear,<BR>The damper was closed, we conserve around here.<P>When he finally got past the damper restriction,<BR>There stood before me what I thought had been fiction.<P>I said, "Are you St. Nick, of legend so old?"<BR>He said, "Yes," but in a voice not very bold.<P>"The kids used to love me, both far and wide,<BR>But then controversy came, and I just had to hide."<P>"The lawsuits piled up, it's quite clear to see,<BR>They said that my actions were just not PC."<P>"The name of St. Nick once made little hearts tingle,<BR>But 'Saint' sounded religious, so I switched to Kris Kringle"<P>"The smoke from my pipe, once encircling my head,<BR>Is now a health hazard, the government said."<P>"I was once fat and jolly, my round cheeks had a dimple,<BR>But health nuts feared kids would follow my example."<P>"They said fat's unhealthy, and is no longer nifty,<BR>So I started to work out, and can now bench two-fifty."<P>"They said that the gifts I gave good girls and boys,<BR>Were unfair to the naughty who also want toys."<P>"They said I caused trauma, it was really quite sad,<BR>To bring gifts to good children, but not to the bad."<P>"A psychologist once told me, kids are not bad or good,<BR>They're all little angels, some just misunderstood."<P>"My red and white fur that I once held so dear,<BR>Was ruined by a nut case with spray paint one year."<P>"So I've gone polyester, and it's quite hard to tell<BR>That it's not really fur, but it itches like **** ."<P>"It's too hard to remember, for an old man like me,<BR>The new names for Christmas, to make it PC."<P>"Is it Winter Break? Kwanzaa? I really can't say,<BR>Maybe Holiday? Solstice? Or perhaps Boxing Day?"<P>"The gifts that I bring, though free to all tots,<BR>Are scrutinized now to see if PC they're not."<P>"I brought dolls for girls and trucks for the boys,<BR>But N.O.W. said I was sexist in selecting these toys."<P>"That's only the start, it's been quite a rough journey,<BR>If a kid was upset, his folks called an attorney."<P>"Animal rights groups opposed my giving kids pets,<BR>They said hamsters and puppies may end up at the vet's."<P>"Any armed forces toys, whether air, land or seas,<BR>Are off limits now, absent WMDs."<P>"Cap guns promote violence, toy knives are too scary,<BR>Grenades and bazookas make PC folks wary."<P>"Instead, they want kids alone in their rooms,<BR>Playing nice peaceful games, like "Mortal Kombat" or "Doom."<P>"Skateboards are a menace, Rollerblades promote falls,<BR>Football may cause an injury, as can bats and balls."<P>"Learning toys may be biased, sports promote competition,<BR>And Barbie can cause a self-image condition."<P>"It's become so bad, that I no longer care,<BR>All I've left now are socks and new underwear."<P>"Of course all the children think this is a crock,<BR>After all, who asks Santa for a crummy old sock?"<P>As he went to his work, placing new BVDs,<BR>I just had to ask, so I said, "If you please…"<P>"Why must you use reindeer in this new modern age,<BR>When airplanes and rockets are more of the rage?"<P>"I fear that you'll hurt them, I really don't like it,<BR>They need a good session with our local pet psychic."<P>"Baloney," said Kringle, his eyes flashing bright,<BR>"In a whole year they have to work only one night."<P>"The rest of the year, they're not worth a dime,<BR>And tease my poor elves, who must work all the time."<P>"And isn't the environment a big worry today?<BR>They produce no emissions, and run on just hay."<P>Then back up the chimney he rose like a bird,<BR>Jumped into his sleigh, and had the last word.<P>"I've had quite a time keeping Christmas alive<BR>It takes your belief to make the day thrive."<P>"Christmas Day can be magic to both young and old,<BR>Don't let PC win, you have to be bold."<P>"Proclaim that it's Christmas to folks near and far,<BR>And be happy and peaceful, wherever you are."<P>Then I heard him exclaim, as he took off again,<BR>"Tell them Santa is back, bringing socks to all men!"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby gohorns40 » Thu Apr 27, 2006 8:52 pm

OK. This is one of my favorite stories and can be found all over the web with a google search, but I have to try one more time.<P><A>The Darks u c k er Theory</A><P>WOW! It worked! Maybe there's hope for we Neanderthals in the computer age after all.<p>[ April 27, 2006: Message edited by: gohorns40 ]
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon May 01, 2006 11:35 am

Boy is that one old, but entertaining! I heard it back when I was in engineering school at UT in 1979. Haven't seen it thrown around in a long time. <P>Here's another one from the almost bottomless pit.<P>Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot: <P>10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?" <BR>9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up <BR>8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" <BR>7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap <BR>6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" <BR>5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!" <BR>4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform <BR>3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane ****s, heh, heh, heh" <BR>2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport <BR>1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon May 01, 2006 12:53 pm

Due to underwhelming reaction, here's another one:<P>My Wife Left Me...... <P>I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had <BR>to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big <BR>drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. <P>Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery <BR>shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup.. I said, <BR>"Wait a minute, I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" <P>She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." <P>I told her, "Heck, that's what the beer was for!" <P>I don't think she'll be back.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Wed May 03, 2006 9:12 am

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to. The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." <P>The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions." <P>The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."
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