Funny Jokes

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:10 am

So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight or Dale Gribble goes to the store <P>As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident". <P>I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that way nobody can see what I'm packing. <P>I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry. <P>Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything. <P>I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury. <P>I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover. <P>The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon. <P>I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make it look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock. <P>Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my weaner. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That's when I noticed the girl scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing in on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ****, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing. <P>I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman's SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind. <P>And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the girl scout, (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. <P>I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though, half my **** is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse. <P>So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse. <P>I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ****. <P>The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my **** slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. <P>I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Maglight. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him. <P>Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit. <P>Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:27 am

Sam met his friend Morris on the street. <P>"Morris," he said, "I haven't seen you in years. You look terrible - what's happened?" <P>"You won't believe," said Morris. "I got married three times in the last three years and buried three wives!" <P>"How terrible, Morris, how tragic," Sam said. "What happened?" <P>"Three years ago, I married this rich widow, and she died a month later after eating poison mushrooms. A year later, I met this wealthy divorcee, and she died a month after we married, again from poison mushrooms. Then last year, I married again, and a month later, she died." <P>"Don't tell me," Sam said. "Poison mushrooms." <P>"No, a fractured skull," said Morris. "She wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms."<p>[ April 24, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Eddie Haskell » Mon Apr 24, 2006 12:14 pm

An older couple was lying in bed one night...<P>The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.<P>A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."<P>Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.<P>Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.<P>"Where are you going?" she asked.<P>"To get my teeth!"<P>Edward
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby mclean88 » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:55 pm

man those are funny, you got some good ones bearkat. :D ;)
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby garrettc16 » Tue Apr 25, 2006 6:25 am

haha those are some good ones
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:28 am

Here's another one:<P>Cannon Balls - a History Lesson! <P>It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannonballs near the cannon on <BR>war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the <BR>problem. <P>The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based <BR>pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested <BR>on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small <BR>area right next to the cannon. <P>There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from <BR>sliding/rolling from under the others. <P>The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. <P>But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. <P>The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys. <P>Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster <BR>than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, <BR>the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would <BR>come right off the monkey. <P>Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. <P>And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:29 am

And another from my almost bottomless pit. I have resisted for as long as I could handle it!<P>A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all <BR>served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. <P>They would get together two or three times a week <BR>for coffee and to talk shop. <P>One day, someone made the comment that preaching <BR>to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. <P>One thing led to another and they decided to do an <BR>experiment They would all go out into the woods, find <BR>a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. <P>Seven days later, they're all together to discuss <BR>the experience. <P>Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on <BR>crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. <BR>"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a <BR>bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from <BR>the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do <BR>with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly <BR>grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary <BR>Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop <BR>is coming out next week to give him first communion <BR>and confirmation." <P>Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a <BR>wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an <BR>IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he <BR>claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't <BR>sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I <BR>began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But <BR>that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD <BR>of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one <BR>hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a <BR>creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy <BR>soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a <BR>lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." <P>They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying <BR>in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction <BR>with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He <BR>was in bad shape. <P>The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, <BR>circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 7:31 am

Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously. #'s 11 and 21 are real good ones!<P>1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. <P>2. A day without sunshine is like...night. <P>3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. <P>4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. <P>5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. <P>6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. <P>7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. <P>8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. <P>9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. <P>10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. <P>11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. <P>12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. <P>13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. <P>14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand. <P>15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark? <P>16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. <P>17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. <P>18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. <P>19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? <P>20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get s u c ked into jet engines. <P>21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? <P>22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. <P>23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? <P>24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what <BR>happened? <P>25. Just remember - if the world didn't s u c k, we would all fall off. <P>26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. <P>27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your b u t t tomorrow.<p>[ April 25, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Eddie Haskell » Tue Apr 25, 2006 9:29 am

Your mama's so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.<P>Your mama is so fat she can't wear a Malcolm X jacket because helicopters keep trying to land on her back.<P>Your mama is so fat, she leaves stretch marks in the bathtub.<P>Your mama is so hairy, bigfoot takes pictures of her!!!<P>Your mama is so dumb, it takes her an hour to make minute rice.<P>Your mama is so ugly, she walked into the house of mirrors and left with 747 years of bad luck.<P>Your mama is so ugly, when she cries, the tears run down the back of her head so they don't have to see her face.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:07 am

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand.." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:08 am

Eight Words with two Meanings <P>1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. <BR>Female...... Any part under a car's hood. <BR>Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. <P>2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. <BR>Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. <BR>Male.... Playing football without a cup. <P>3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. <BR>Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. <BR>Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. <P>4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. <BR>Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. <BR>Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. <P>5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. <BR>Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. <BR>Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. <P>6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. <BR>Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. <BR>Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. <P>7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. <BR>Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. <BR>Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. <P>8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. <BR>Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. <BR>Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:13 am

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director <P>TO: All Employees <P>DATE: 4th November 2005 <P>RE: Christmas Party <P>I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! <P>We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party. <P>Merry Christmas to you and your Family. <P>Pauline <P>FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director <P>TO: All Employees <P>DATE: 5th November 2005 <P>RE: Holiday Party <P>In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise Hanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. <P>However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. <P>Happy now? <P>Happy Holidays to you and your family, <P>Pauline. <P>FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director <P>TO: All Employees <P>DATE: 6th November 2005 <P>RE: Holiday Party <P>Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? <P>Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. <P>Pauline. <P><BR>FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director <P>TO: All Employees <P>DATE: 7th November 2005 <P>RE: Holiday Party <P>What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, ***s are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with *** men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the *** men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross-dress - no cross-dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?! <P>Pauline. <P><BR>FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director <P>TO: All F****** Employees <P>DATE: 8 November 2005 <P>RE: The <P> <P>Holiday Party. <P>Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die. <P>The B***h from **** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director <P>DATE: 9th November 2005 <P>RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party <P>I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 10:15 am

Law Suit Against Santa! <BR>by David Bibb <P>The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. <P>The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs." <P>Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part: <P>You better watch out. <BR>You better not cry. <BR>You better not pout. <BR>I'm telling you why. <BR>Santa Claus is coming to town. <P>He sees you when you are sleeping <BR>He knows when you're awake, <BR>He knows when you've been bad or good <BR>So be good for goodness' sake. <P>Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, which was obtained from a worker in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, ". . . clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?" <P>Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice stated, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence." <P>In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers." <P>Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children." <P>The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate. <P>In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis." <P>Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Eddie Haskell » Tue Apr 25, 2006 11:05 am

So this lady is shopping in the grocery store the other day.<BR>She picks up some pasta, a salad mix, some french bread and a few cosmetics that she needs and goes to check out.<P>While waiting in line a drunk stumbles up...looks at the items in her cart a few moments...and then says "You're single...aren't you?"<P>The lady is somewhat amazed at his perception, and wonders how he could assertain that fact by looking at her purchases...so she replies "why yes I am!...How did you know?"<P>And he replies..."Cause you're ugly.<P><BR>Edward
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Tue Apr 25, 2006 12:16 pm

new viruses<P>The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. <BR>The ClintonVirus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory <BR>The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting <BR>The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy <BR>The Lewinsky Virus - ****s all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did <BR>The ArnoldSchwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back <BR>The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes <BR>The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 <BR>GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB <BR>The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted <BR>The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care <BR>The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files <BR>The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
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