Funny Jokes

anything else?

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Logun Timberlake » Sun Apr 09, 2006 9:44 pm

:D :D I love that one^^
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby PupsWR » Mon Apr 10, 2006 4:43 pm

I almost fell out of my seat!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Lights_Out » Mon Apr 10, 2006 7:43 pm

Thats a good 1.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby mclean88 » Thu Apr 13, 2006 9:04 pm

thanks, it is a pretty good one. The first time I heard it I think I peed my self. :roll:
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:14 am

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. <BR>The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, <BR>"What's your IQ?" <BR>The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities. <P>The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" <P>The man responds, "about a 100." <BR>Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts. <P>Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" <P>The man replies, "Er, 50, I think." <BR>And the robot says... real slowly, <P>"So............... <BR>ya gonna vote fer Hillary?"
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Blue Bird » Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:47 pm

Odd, that was a Bush joke the first time that I heard it.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby mclean88 » Fri Apr 21, 2006 6:25 pm

yeah, I thought it was a bush joke too. :D
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Splinter Cell » Sat Apr 22, 2006 1:53 pm

It depends if the person is a republican or democrat thats telling the joke. That goes along with most political jokes.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:47 am

J.O. may be really familiar with some of these terms!<P>"Batmobiling" putting up emotional shields from the retracting armor that covers the batmobile as in "she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling" <P>"Betamaxed" when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market" <P>"Blowing your buffer" losing your train of thought <P>"Cobweb" a WWW site that never changes <P>"Elvis year" the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year" <P>"Generica" fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was" <P>"Going postal" totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages <P>"High dome" egghead, scientist, PhD <P>"Irritainment" annoying but you can't stop watching i.e; the O.J. trial <P>"Meatspace" the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also "carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL" <P>"Percussive maintenance" the fine art of whacking a device to get it working <P>"Prairie dogging" in companies where everyone has a cubicle something happens and everyone pops up to look <P>"Salmon day" swimming upstream all day to get screwed in the end <P>"Siliwood" the coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and computers also "hollywired" <P>"Square headed girlfriend" (boyfriend) computer <P>"Treeware" manuals and documentation <P>"Umfriend" sexual relationship "this is Dale, my...um...friend" <P>"World wide wait" WWW <P>"Yuppie food stamps" twenty dollar bills from an ATM
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:47 am

Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?<BR>A: Douse it in gasoline and toss it in the fireplace
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 8:48 am

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:24 am

A man's car breaks down outside a farm, so he walks to the door to see if he can get some help. The farmer obliges, and as they walk back to the car, the man notices a pig with 2 wooden legs. <BR>"What's with that pig?" he inquires. <BR>"That pig, saved my daughter's life, my son's life, and our barn." <BR>"How so?" <BR>"Well, about 2 years back, my daughter was missing. She'd fallen into the well. We was looking for her, and that pig heard her, found me, and dragged me to the well. Last year, my son was walking the cornfields when he collapsed in the path of the combine. That pig saw it happen, climbed out of the stye, ran into the field and dragged my boy out of the way of the combine. And earlier this spring, we had an electric fire start in the barn. That pig broke down the front door, came upstairs and woke us up." <BR>"Is that how he lost his legs? Burnt in the fire?" <BR>"Naw." said the farmer. "A pig like that, well, you don't eat him all at once."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:25 am

He said : I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . You wear pants don't you? <P>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. <P>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror! <P>On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" <P>Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?<BR> A. Both of them. <P>Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? <BR> A. He buys two cases of beer. <P>Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?<BR> A. The bonds mature. <P>Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?<BR> A. So men can remember them. <P>Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? <BR>A. We don't know; it has never happened. <P>Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? <BR>A. A widow. <P>Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?<BR> A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. <P>Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?<BR> A. They're married. <P>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:26 am

* I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. <BR>* If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. <BR>* A child of five would understand me. Send somebody to fetch a child of five. <BR>* One can survive everything nowadays except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. <BR>* I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. <BR>* I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West. <BR>* Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot. <BR>* Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. <BR>* The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing ..... if you can fake that, you've got it made. <BR>* If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. <BR>* What is the difference between literature and journalism? ...... Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all. <BR>* If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Mon Apr 24, 2006 10:07 am

Some very funny military humor. Had to delete one that was a little too risque for this board. PM me if you want that part!<P>At this command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM) <P>"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Marine Col (MARFOREUR) <P>"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my ****." <P>"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM) <P>"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." Lt Col (EUCOM) in briefings <P>"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building. <P>"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in 'fat chance...'" GS-15 (SHAPE) <P>"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS) <P>"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (EUCOM) <P>"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command <P>"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM) <P>"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ(EUCOM) <P>"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them ... and then exploit the **** out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM) <P>"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR) <P>"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs at his Command. <P>"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation <P>"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM) <P>"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It’s no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM) <P>"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much... <P>"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of ****ed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building <P>"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV <P>"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea <P>"So, what do you wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"..."I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. -- COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(P) develops and implements their strategies. <P><BR>"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet <P>"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS) <P>"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military <P>"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above <P>"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard) <P>"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR) [obviously this guy has been to the wrong parts of Paris...] <P>"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan <P>"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas" <P>"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6." Col (EUCOM) <P>"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet." <P>"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see." <P>"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time." <P>"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS) <P>"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress." <P>"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM) <P>"Creating smoking holes (with bombs) gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference <P>"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference <P>"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal." <P>"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or stay drunk for the rest of your life." <P>"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM) <P>"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM) <P>"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking." <P>"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR) <P>"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM) <P>"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM) -<p>[ April 24, 2006: Message edited by: Old Bearkat ]
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