Funny Jokes

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Feb 12, 2016 10:59 am

Car keys. They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
“I left my keys in the car and it’s been stolen.”

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. ”Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

He retorted,
“I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your dang car!”
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Mar 04, 2016 10:53 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Mar 04, 2016 10:56 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Mar 04, 2016 11:00 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Apr 15, 2016 8:18 am

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before

Practice safe eating - always use condiments

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead give away

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under

Every calendar's days are numbered

A lot of money is tainted -Taint yours and taint mine

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat

He had a photographic memory that was never developed

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Acupuncture is a jab well done
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Thu Jun 23, 2016 7:52 am

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Aug 19, 2016 10:06 am

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Aug 19, 2016 10:07 am

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Sep 23, 2016 12:51 pm

Can any one say the difference between complete and finished?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.
Some say there is no difference between ‘Complete’ and ‘Finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are ‘Complete.’
If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘Finished.’
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are ‘Completely Finished.’

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby smokeyjoe53 » Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:12 pm

That's a good 'un.............. little slow in the nuclear plant today?..........
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:27 pm

smokeyjoe53 wrote:That's a good 'un.............. little slow in the nuclear plant today?..........


Yep. Waiting on others to finish reviewing calculations.......
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby smokeyjoe53 » Fri Sep 23, 2016 1:34 pm

Aww, just tell them to round it off..... no need to be precise........
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Sat Nov 05, 2016 10:56 pm

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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Sat Nov 05, 2016 11:04 pm

Reflections

I changed my car horn to gun shot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now!

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet...

I don’t need any anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child, I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grownup, it just feels like a
small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is... “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

My kids’ text me “plz” which is shorter then please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree... that makes it a plant which means... chocolate is Salad!!!
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Re: Funny Jokes

Postby Old Bearkat » Sat Nov 05, 2016 11:07 pm

OOOOOPPPPPPPSSSSS!

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